drinking glue

rise against - voices off camera

the images i got from it this time were of a person constantly on the move, always fending off the next disaster, trying to keep up with all the demands of life. no time to stop. and behind all that movement, a feeling of disconnection. a yearning to just give it all up, just for a little while. to lay it all aside and rest, relax and find comfort before picking it all up again and moving on.
there. can't go a day without feeling sorry for myself, now can i??

sorry kids. bitching time.
so. don't get me wrong. i love jessika to death. she's one of the best friends i'll ever have. we get along no matter what we're doing. she understands me better than mostly anyone i know.
but after a while, she does get on my nerves. it's nothing personal, of course. nothing she can do about it, and certainly nothing i'd want her to do about it.
it's just that she's so thin. and gorgeous. always, and i mean always, she's the one who gets the guys. no matter who it is, they love her more than me. it's so annoying, always being second best. she talks to people so easily.
and she's got everything. i don't even know where to start with her clothes. god. it must be great having rich parents.
well this is going no where. it's pointless. i love jessika and all this is, is a bunch of my insecurities popping up. go away.

well shit. looky what i did. i got myself in trouble, again. god, jessika and i were so bored. we had to do something. i've gone down to the 7-11 10 million times before. i buy ice cream or whatever and i walk back. big deal. no one ever cared, no one ever noticed. but tonight, because jessika was here, everyone was on edge and sleeping light. my mom found out. bitch. she locked us out and everything. i got brent to unlock the door for me, then i talked to my mom. she was really rude about it. i just know they'll say it was jessika's fault. i can't tell them it's not, but i feel horrible about it. i love jessika, she's just like me. i don't want my parents to not like her. the problem is, she isn't as good at hiding what she does. so they think she's a horrible person corrupting who i am. that's the thing, though. if she wasn't around i'd be doing this shit anyways, but i'd be miserable. anyway, my mom's being a total bitch about all of it, so we figure, hell, we're not doing anything this weekend. might as well make the best of it. still not tired, definitely not sorry about what we did. we'll be up all night. they want me to sleep on the couch, so i'll probably go back down there around 6 or 7, finish reading my book. umm let's see. well the next few years should be interesting. won't be driving anywhere, certainly won't ever be trusted to go anywhere. my brother says they're taking my computer. so, yeah, you should know that. i probably won't be around for the next week or two. maybe, if they're pissed enough, it'll be a month. who knows. they never usually stay mad long. y'know it's funny. sometimes they seem so reasonable. things that i think would completely throw them over the edge, don't bother them. then something simple like buying ice cream makes them completely flip out. not to mention movies. my god. what a bitch. she's freaking out over every movie i watch these days, just because she heard the sex conversation in chasing amy. thank god she hasn't watched any of the movies i own. that would send her completely over the edge. so anyways, this is my rant. i'm mad, but not at all sorry for what i've done. i don't regret anything. the ice cream was good.

mmmm. i love edward norton. "WTF?!?!" you say? lol. yeah. i don't know jack about him, but i just finished watching death to smoochy. and i'm watching fight club right now. i dunno, but his body (ooh yeah, somethin about him walking around in a fuschia rhino's pants) and his face... y'know he's not drop dead gorgeous or anything, but still. yeah. what other movies is he in? i was thinkin i would start buying all brad pitt's movies, but hmm, edward norton... he does a lot more interesting roles. so. interesting night. brent and scott got all dressed up a couple minutes ago to go out and buy milk. strange guys. whoo i got a picture of tysson and elaina from homecoming, it's cute, tysson was a cowboy. so ummm i'm gonna go pass out in front of fight club now.

whoops. completely forgot about this. oh well. i've had a pretty good last couple days. some serious bonding time with scott, mostly while driving around, and a little bit of talking in the kitchen. interesting guy, really. i wish i could've gotten to know him years ago, when i still saw him regularly. i'm going down to elaina's tomorrow, mostly just for the drive. i bought some new cd's, so now i've got a collection of 4 that my dad might like. i'm thinking pete yorn should go over pretty well. i guess he's been complaining about the stuff i've been listening to lately - scott says the only way to get him to stop is to blast classical music. now, i've got nothing against classical music. i love it. but i like being able to sing along annoyingly with my music, thankyou. whoop, it's friday morning now. oh well. umm, i spent a lot of money. oops. but it was worth it. and i've still got lots left over, so when i get the time i'll go to suncoast, get my beatle's poster, and spend whatever money i have left on, you guessed it, more movies. so, i think i'm going to go do something else now, get my mind off the uglier aspects of life that always seem to pop up when i talk to elaina or any of our friends.

alright i'm gonna make this quick, i want to sleep soon. hm. today was pretty boring. so we won't go into details about that. can not WAIT for tomorrow night, when i can open presents, then amuse myself w/ whatever i get until jessika get's here (yesss!!! i's gonna see my bestest friend, yeeee!!!) lol. i dunno what i'm going to do all break, so someone, anyone, please feel free to call me and we can do something.

ugh. this is so annoying. i don't even know who it is, probably kimbrough though, over at chatfield's on his s/n. i can never talk to these guys without it basically being one long sex conversation. they make a pass, i shoot them down. they make another pass, i shoot them down again. this time he's trying to convince me to have phone sex with him. what really pisses me off though is i don't even know who it is! chatfield's is just one huge gathering for all the guys to come over and dink around. and great. now i'm being a bitch about it. i hate pms, especially when i'm tired. oh well. so scott's an atheist now, he sprung it on my parents this morning. and in return my parents are smothering me with affection. it's kinda creepy. i'll be able to live with it as long as they don't start asking me how my walk with the lord is going. i can't stand it when they pry into my life like that.

seattle's always held a certain appeal to me. i just love walking along the streets, looking at all the different people and shops and decorations and.. there are just so many things to look at. to observe. it's especially nice in the wintertime, with all the trees downtown covered in christmas lights. the cold air, the people rushing around with their packages, the crowded sidewalks, the beautiful buildings... i'm going to live in seattle. i know it. i'll got to the u and just spend all my days in seattle, learning my way around. getting to know people. do you have any idea how many interesting people live in that city? it's crawling with them! scott showed me this mall today that i had no clue existed. there's a movie theater and everything. it's about 5 or 6 stories tall, with people just all over the place.
scott of course hated it. when we were standing on the top floor he couldn't stop fantasizing about chucking a pumpkin and seeing how all the people way below us reacted. he told me about how he wanted to hurl his friend eric, who's afraid of heights, over the edge and down into some glass covering "to demonstrate kinetic energy". all in the name of science, always, with scott. he said all the mall really needed was to have someone running around throwing fish.
ahh, my brother. he's hilarious. so antisocial. so odd. so messed up. what's creepy is that he's always been like that, ever since he was a baby.
anyway, i'm a little sad. i really miss my 'german techno cd'. i want to rent the movie too. i think i'll buy the movie with whatever christmas money i get, maybe. who knows.