drinking glue

01. I hurt: myself
02. I love: everyone
03. I hate: julia roberts & nicholas cage
04. I cry: at sad movies
05. I fear: emotional pain
06. I hope: to not get skin cancer
07. I sadden: when i see roadkill
08. I feel alone: when i'm at home
09. I kill: spiders & ants
10. I talk: all the time or not at all
11. I listen: to anything with a good beat
12. I break: everything
13. I see: sound
14. I smell: like gayness
15. I taste: toothpaste & lollipops
16. I work: when i need money
17. I remember: very little
18. I hold: whatever i can
19. I hide: my money
20. I pray: almost daily
21. I walk: everywhere
22. I drive: into trees
23. I read: books & comics
24. I burn: cards
25. I breathe: when i remember to
26. I play: with toys
27. I miss: my long-distance friends
28. I touch: manboobs
29. I learn: only when i have to
30. I feel: tired 24/7
31. I know: too much & too little
32. I said: "it's like christmas!"
33. I dream: in color
34. I have: a bellybutton
35. I want: more piercings & a tattoo
36. I fall: after i trip
37. I wait: for nothing
38. I need: sleep
39. I live: with nothing to lose
40. I die: for nothing
41. I thank: God for taking care of my when i do stupid things

wow. i don't know if i've said it here before, but i know i've thought it. at the rate things are going i knew my life would catch up with me eventually. well, it did last night (this morning?). no details, of course, because like i know i've said before, you never know who reads this thing. poor brian - he had to sit on the phone and listen to me cry and sob and sniffle. at one point i yelled at a wrench, tho i don't think he heard me, which is good. funny thing is, after a few hours' sleep, i don't feel bad at all. just a little embarassed. and of course, just like i figured would happen, someone noticed i'd been gone. i told the truth, tho i did edit a few parts out (i'd be stupid not to). i don't know if he'll tell our parents or not. i'm letting him sleep, doing his housework for him. hell i'm letting scott sleep too. but i do feel stupid - brent didn't really care that i'd left, just that i hadn't told him i was leaving. figures he wouldn't care - i keep forgetting that he's not as paranoid as my parents, that he goes out late all the time. oh well, i made a mistake, and if something bad comes from it, then what else is new?

*~sorry kids, no details, ya never know who might read this - ask me if i don't tell you~*
oh. my. god. i will never, ever forget what happened today. it was great fun, of course. i always have fun, no matter what i'm doing. but, well, this was different. i have never been scared more shitless in my entire life. i swear to God i was going to die. and brian, well, i love him now more than i have or ever will love any other person on the face of this earth. i owe him big time, and oh my God i swear i was going to die a horrible, painful, extremely excrutiating death! and of course, now nothing is happening. geez, that's life for ya. thank you God, and thank you Brian! he's right - he's a legend now.

i spent most of the day over at brenda's today, about 6 hours or so. and now that i'm home, i'm bored, and i've had time to think. and i've realized that as much as i love being around guys, as much as i love their sense of humor and the easygoing atmosphere, nothing will ever compare to spending a day w/ a girlfriend. i used to hate being around other girls, and for the most part, i still do. they're catty and competitive. i can't really stand to be around other girls for long periods of time because it gets into some kinda of competition, no matter what. but a day with a really close friend is completely different. neither of us care, neither of us try to compete. we're perfectly at ease with eachother, and we can do and say things that would make someone you didn't know as well get completely creeped out. it sucks that brenda's going away - i'm gonna miss her these next 3 weeks. and it's times like these that i really miss liz. we had fun last summer - we knew eachother's problems, and we accepted them. we had the same interests and ideas. we'd try anything once, maybe a couple times. i could do things with her that would creep out most of my friends these days. i'd like to call her up, but i know it would be too weird. things have changed - we can't go back to last summer. but i still miss her.

i've been gone all weekend, so i haven't really had a chance to write about anything. the past week has been awesome, though i'm still trying to get over that i'll never go to school again w/ mostly all the ppl i saw last week. i'll see 5-10 of them on a regular, day-to-day basis, but the rest i might see across the field at a football game, or maybe run into them at the mall and wild waves. it's depressing. i don't want that to happen. i want to keep knowing my friends! i'm completely exhausted tho, these past couple days have been rather eventful. i think i'll go sleep in the sun for a while.

i was going to write this earlier this morning, but i didn't have any time. last night i had the coolest dream. i don't usually dream a lot, or if i do, i never remember them. but when i do dream, they're long, and they usually turn out like a movie. last night i went to bed around 5 in the evening, so i had a lot of time to dream. this is what happened (i think it was inspired by a mix of harry potter/vampire books): it started out w/ me actually dreaming. all these people were lining up, and all of them were wearing black suits w/ white dress shirts and black ties. they looked a lot like the MIB. most of them were wearing sun glasses. they were in a huge crowd, but filtered into a line, and then they split off, either to the left or right. most of them didn't seem to know what they were doing there. i had this really weird feeling that by them even being there was a very, very bad thing. okay, so then i woke up. my brother (brent) wanted to show me something. i don't remember how we got there but we ended up in this huge cavern, with what was like a little mountain in the middle, or maybe a very fat tower, and all these huge caves all around the sides. but they had doors that opened upwards, huge stone doors. there was also a very large hole in the ceiling, so you could see the sky. so he was telling me that his college professor had told him about this (which makes no sense because scott's the one in college...but yeah). and that i couldn't tell anyone else because if i did, then both he and his professor would probably end up in jail or something. so he did something, i'm not sure exactly what. but all these bats just started flying everywhere. i freaked, and my brother and i fell backward. the ground was oddly soft, so it didn't hurt, except for something digging into our backs. brent was excited because apparently that's what we were there for. and this is where it got weird. he turned around and this huge... thing... had appeared. it reminded me of a rocket, except smaller and fatter. he said it was something that could make me fly, and he wanted me to try it out. so i climbed in, and it was really weird, i was basically standing up but was strapped in, and you could see through the entire thing. it was like it wasn't even there. so i just shot up and was flying all around the place. and it was weird because brent was right up there flying with me, and we went back to what i suppose was our house. it was this huge white farmhouse type thing, out in the country by trees and everything. i went around the side of the house to watch the fireworks (don't ask, i have no clue why there were fireworks). so then suddenly it's the next day. as in, bright and sunny daylight. i was walking through a trailer park/hotel/apartment complex type thing, and there were all these trees with huge red leaves, and a giant pond. there were these people there, wearing suits (like the MIB from the dream) but i knew them. so yeah then i was in the country (weird scene shifts!) and i was getting really bored so i just got up and flew. and it's this weird thing because apparently i was part of a weird society that could use magic 'n fly and stuff, and because they didn't want the normal people to know about them you had to get, i guess i'll just call it clearance, before you could go anywhere. and you had to say where you were going and they'd say when you could, etc. etc. so i just got fed up w/ it and flew. and of course people freaked out.

grr, i typed all that and ran out of space... anyway continued.
i remember at one point there were some people weeding the crops or whatever, and i waved at them and they got kinda freaked out. but it was cool. at one point brent and i were racing, and he was going faster than me (because, you know, flying takes energy and the longer you've been training, the faster and longer you can fly for) and i was wearing myself out trying to keep up. so then i was getting tired and stopped at wild waves (this was the wild waves from my dreams. i've dreamt about it before but it would take WAY too long to try to explain how it looks). and this is when the people chasing me caught up w/ me (inside this rollercoaster type thing) and the walls around me were HUGE. and i was way too tired to try to jump them. so anyway, the people chasing me were leandra, nathanael, and evan. which was really kinda weird, but oh well. so they're blocking all my exits and trying to get me to stop, but they're getting kinda tired themselves. so brent, who was watching this whole thing, throws something to leandra that's supposed to restore her energy. she drops it and i grab it before anyone else can and eat it - it was a goldfish cracker, go figure. so now they're all upset because i'm back to normal, i jump the wall and fly away. for some reason i'm trying to find stephanie tuey's house, but i'm so high above everything else that i just can't find it! and the roads are all overrun by trees and i can barely see parking lots and it's driving me NUTS trying to find her house. for some reason i thought it was by illahee... uhh... yeah so i never found it, and i exhausted myself in the meantime. so then i finally found my way back to the hotel/apartments thing, and i saw my dad walking around. this guy wasn't really my dad, he was tall and thin and had thick black hair and was actually pretty cool looking, even if he was a little nerdy. and he was dressed like an MIB dude from earlier. so i went into the building he went in to (it was like a hotel, w/ hotel hallways and red carpets) and cut him off, and he snapped out of it in an angry/confused type of way. he was upset because he couldn't help himself - he was just drawn to that place. and that's when jesenia and some of her friends showed up. her friends were all hyped about it, but jesenia didn't really care, she was just doing what her friends did. at this point i noticed a gathering of ppl dressed like in my dream further down the hall, and i started getting worried. so i begged jesenia to stop, to go back, but she wouldn't listen. and i cried and hugged her because i knew it would be the last time i talked to her. so then my dad and i left, and when we got outside there was this huge fight going on. it was really unfair because it was all these mean guys against my dad's right-hand man type dude. so this guy just get's clobbered, and all that's left of him is his arm. my dad is PISST and just rips into these other guys, and then takes off w/ his friend's arm (it's really only his forearm and hand). by this time no one really cares about what i did. i manage to keep up w/ my dad and he calls a meeting w/ our clan out by the country house. and he's getting all ticked off, and worried b/c of these weird gatherings of people like us, when his dead friend's arm starts turning silver. and i mean like liquid silver, like on the capri sun commercials. and it starts getting bigger and bigger, until it suddenly pops out, jabs my dad through the chest with the huge spike, sends blood spraying everywhere. so then everyone takes off running, and i guess i trip because i'm on my knees looking back, and this thing just swallows my dad (so my dad is GONE) and starts laughing. it's taken on this weird form that kinda resembles someone's shadow. and all the time i'm just thinking of the MIB-type dudes from my dream, separating into groups, and all i'm thinking is "this is NOT good..."

so there! that's all of my dream! i told you they get long. =] i should tell you all about my war dream sometime! that was good. with Mikhal and everyone. they had original names in that one - they weren't people stolen from real life! it was great! but for now, well, i guess not.

i will never understand the people who think being spontaneous is a bad thing. it's great! random things are what make life interesting. acting on impulse makes things happen, whether for good or bad. for example, today, if i hadn't figured "oh, what the hell" and popped over to tuey's for no reason (honestly, i didn't want her help w/ the honors utopia), i would've wasted an entire day. an entire day of watching tv and walking around the house and bothering my brothers. instead i got to mess around on a trampoline (and go ahead, let the bad images run wild, b/c i mean almost exactly what you're thinking). i got to play at fred meyer's (my favorite past time) and creep out steph tuey's sisters. always fun. and for once i did my homework before 9 o'clock! wow! so yeah. now i just need to find a place to put my new bob the builder poster and all my dance pictures.

i'm going to apologize in advance for this. i'm also going to explain myself. i've had a very rough day and i needed something to cheer me up. surprisingly enough, cleaning my room is something that helps me relax. and it worked. and now i want to share it with everyone. so i'm sorry. okay, so now i can obsess! i just reorganized all my posters in my room. nuts, you say? you've no idea. i ripped them all down (i have to say i didn't do a very good job - a lot have their corners torn now), along with all my pictures and liscense plates and whatnot i've got on my walls. so basically i was back to how my room used to look (horrid thought). then i put them all back up. all along the space around my bed. so now there's barely any gaps on the walls. it's mostly black, which i've complained about before, but now it looks horrible. most of my room is just plain white walls, and then there's this huge space all around my bed that's just a mess of black and color and weird stuff. but i like it. it's cool. my pictures and stickers and everything are scattered all around. not as many have meanings behind their placements this time, but some do. for example, the pic of joey and ryan making out is up by the wet sexy man because i'd love to do exactly that w/ him. =] that's right! i got the wet sexy man! i should've put him above my bed, i know, but i can find someone else to go up there. so right, it looks great. and of course now i want to go out and blow a buttload of money (which i don't have) on more stuff to cover up the space that's left. oh well, another time, i guess. i don't really want to think about money right now, that's what got me into a bad mood anyways. ugh, so much for all that work. complete waste. i'm mad again.

ugh, i am so hungry... but i just brushed my teeth and i don't want to eat anything. haven't really eaten anything all day, now that i think of it. that breakfast cake-ish whatever at steph's, mcflurry at the mall, and the starbucks, but that's it. cool. i'm anorexic! psht, yeah right. it just hurts to swallow anything w/ this stupid sore throat. anyway, the bourne identity - i was right! it's a funny movie. great movie. absolutely hilarious. my only complaint is that they didn't have enough scenes of matt damon w/out his shirt. hey, look kiddies, it's the authority song! w00t! ... sad thing is, i haven't even touched that second starbucks in the freezer yet. man, this weekend has been just great, great fun. sure i missed out on swimming, but i hate leaving messages, esp. when i don't know who's cell phone i just called. everything else has been just grand, though. umm.. well i think i should sleep now, considering i have to go to church tomorrow and i *promised* charis i'd go to the sunday school this time. as a parting shot - HE WAS HUGE!!! heheh.

okay, good, it's all done! beowulf is completely nuts, and grendel's not far behind him. the dragon's a nice touch. the end of the book seriously creeps me out. "poor grendel's had an accident. so may you all. the thing is falling off a cliff! ohh, a shower sounds so nice right now... hey, i think my sunburn's getting better! i can't feel it right now.

this is driving me nuts! my stupid internet is taking forever. i want to finish my book report, take a shower, and go to bed. at this rate i'll probably be in bed around 11. am i ever going to get enough sleep? guess i'll just have to take a nap when i get home tomorrow. i hate going to get my hair cut looking like crap. but oh well, they're there to make me look good, right? right.

i am so pisst off right now. it's beautiful weather. 80 degrees. i could get such a nice tan in this weather. but i can't, because my shoulders are crispy fried. it's really annoying, too. i have never -ever- gotten burned like this before. the worse burn i've ever had has been a little pink on my nose and cheeks. okay, i know why it's burning easily. tetracycline is known to make your skin burn easily. but i've been taking this stuff since sixth grade, so why now? makes me mad, i tell ya. oh well, hopefully if i use enough aloe vera it'll heal overnight. then tomorrow i can try to fix my funky tanlines. or i'll get some fake'n'bake before the dance.

oh goody. i'm enjoying life far too much these days. i suspect it'll all come crashing down around me anytime now. but, well, until that happens, i'm loving every moment of it. sun, friends, and schoolwork the furthest thing from my mind. it's wonderful! tho i suppose i should be trying to get more sleep. i need energy to keep this all up, w/out turning into miss bitch from hell. as a side note, i'd like to say that liz did have a few things right. patrick's brother, for example, is a complete and total freak. and she also knew how to handle her parents. but since she's gone now, i guess i'll have to figure it out myself. and no better chance to practice than this summer, right?

cool. i was flipping channels while babysitting tonight. found out that cartoon network's got this thing called adult swim, plays all sorts of anime. didn't get to see all of cowboy bebop, todd had to drive me home. but now i'm watching one of the original gundams. 0038 or something. i dunno. but it's cool. i'm going to have to learn how to run of 4 hours' sleep now, if it's on every night. if not, then just the weekends. told brent and he's known about it for a while. now he's trying to eat all my food, guess that's what i get for being nice. oh well. not like i need $20 worth of candy anyway. ugh, i am going to be so bruised tomorrow... stupid plastic baseball bats.

i have never loved one person more in my entire life than right now. brenda, you are my god! i am forever in debt to you and your birthday present for me. ever since my parents made the stupid one can of pop a day rule, i've been suffering from caffiene deprivation. and even worse, it's 11:00, i'm dead tired, and now i need to finally start all the homework i should've done days ago. these two cans of diet coke are going to save my life!

well hey everyone! got myself a blogger, cool huh? what's going on in the life of rolaids, hmm? not a whole lot right now. not that i'm complaining, that's a good thing! just got myself a season pass to wild waves, so maybe (maybe!) this year i'll have a tan to match jessika's when she comes! got a bunch of blisters on my feet (damn flipflops) but they'll heal soon and i'll be able to walk again. i didn't get any mail today... *sob!* WHY NOT DAMMIT?! lol. no really, i'm fine! ummmm, thinking thinking, what to say? okay, here's a warning (i'm not sure if it'll come true but oh well) - everyone, watch out this summer! i'm going to be hella bored and no worries, i'll be calling you up every day "i'm bored. what should we do?" "i dunno, what do you want to do?" "i dunno, what do you wanna do?" "i dunno, what do you wanna do?" "i dunno, what do you wanna do?" "i dunno, what do you wanna do?" "i dunno, what do you wanna do?".... etc. okay, that's it, i'm bored now and i need to do schoolwork (ick!!!!) later kiddies!