drinking glue

sorry kids. bitching time.
so. don't get me wrong. i love jessika to death. she's one of the best friends i'll ever have. we get along no matter what we're doing. she understands me better than mostly anyone i know.
but after a while, she does get on my nerves. it's nothing personal, of course. nothing she can do about it, and certainly nothing i'd want her to do about it.
it's just that she's so thin. and gorgeous. always, and i mean always, she's the one who gets the guys. no matter who it is, they love her more than me. it's so annoying, always being second best. she talks to people so easily.
and she's got everything. i don't even know where to start with her clothes. god. it must be great having rich parents.
well this is going no where. it's pointless. i love jessika and all this is, is a bunch of my insecurities popping up. go away.

well shit. looky what i did. i got myself in trouble, again. god, jessika and i were so bored. we had to do something. i've gone down to the 7-11 10 million times before. i buy ice cream or whatever and i walk back. big deal. no one ever cared, no one ever noticed. but tonight, because jessika was here, everyone was on edge and sleeping light. my mom found out. bitch. she locked us out and everything. i got brent to unlock the door for me, then i talked to my mom. she was really rude about it. i just know they'll say it was jessika's fault. i can't tell them it's not, but i feel horrible about it. i love jessika, she's just like me. i don't want my parents to not like her. the problem is, she isn't as good at hiding what she does. so they think she's a horrible person corrupting who i am. that's the thing, though. if she wasn't around i'd be doing this shit anyways, but i'd be miserable. anyway, my mom's being a total bitch about all of it, so we figure, hell, we're not doing anything this weekend. might as well make the best of it. still not tired, definitely not sorry about what we did. we'll be up all night. they want me to sleep on the couch, so i'll probably go back down there around 6 or 7, finish reading my book. umm let's see. well the next few years should be interesting. won't be driving anywhere, certainly won't ever be trusted to go anywhere. my brother says they're taking my computer. so, yeah, you should know that. i probably won't be around for the next week or two. maybe, if they're pissed enough, it'll be a month. who knows. they never usually stay mad long. y'know it's funny. sometimes they seem so reasonable. things that i think would completely throw them over the edge, don't bother them. then something simple like buying ice cream makes them completely flip out. not to mention movies. my god. what a bitch. she's freaking out over every movie i watch these days, just because she heard the sex conversation in chasing amy. thank god she hasn't watched any of the movies i own. that would send her completely over the edge. so anyways, this is my rant. i'm mad, but not at all sorry for what i've done. i don't regret anything. the ice cream was good.

mmmm. i love edward norton. "WTF?!?!" you say? lol. yeah. i don't know jack about him, but i just finished watching death to smoochy. and i'm watching fight club right now. i dunno, but his body (ooh yeah, somethin about him walking around in a fuschia rhino's pants) and his face... y'know he's not drop dead gorgeous or anything, but still. yeah. what other movies is he in? i was thinkin i would start buying all brad pitt's movies, but hmm, edward norton... he does a lot more interesting roles. so. interesting night. brent and scott got all dressed up a couple minutes ago to go out and buy milk. strange guys. whoo i got a picture of tysson and elaina from homecoming, it's cute, tysson was a cowboy. so ummm i'm gonna go pass out in front of fight club now.

whoops. completely forgot about this. oh well. i've had a pretty good last couple days. some serious bonding time with scott, mostly while driving around, and a little bit of talking in the kitchen. interesting guy, really. i wish i could've gotten to know him years ago, when i still saw him regularly. i'm going down to elaina's tomorrow, mostly just for the drive. i bought some new cd's, so now i've got a collection of 4 that my dad might like. i'm thinking pete yorn should go over pretty well. i guess he's been complaining about the stuff i've been listening to lately - scott says the only way to get him to stop is to blast classical music. now, i've got nothing against classical music. i love it. but i like being able to sing along annoyingly with my music, thankyou. whoop, it's friday morning now. oh well. umm, i spent a lot of money. oops. but it was worth it. and i've still got lots left over, so when i get the time i'll go to suncoast, get my beatle's poster, and spend whatever money i have left on, you guessed it, more movies. so, i think i'm going to go do something else now, get my mind off the uglier aspects of life that always seem to pop up when i talk to elaina or any of our friends.

alright i'm gonna make this quick, i want to sleep soon. hm. today was pretty boring. so we won't go into details about that. can not WAIT for tomorrow night, when i can open presents, then amuse myself w/ whatever i get until jessika get's here (yesss!!! i's gonna see my bestest friend, yeeee!!!) lol. i dunno what i'm going to do all break, so someone, anyone, please feel free to call me and we can do something.

ugh. this is so annoying. i don't even know who it is, probably kimbrough though, over at chatfield's on his s/n. i can never talk to these guys without it basically being one long sex conversation. they make a pass, i shoot them down. they make another pass, i shoot them down again. this time he's trying to convince me to have phone sex with him. what really pisses me off though is i don't even know who it is! chatfield's is just one huge gathering for all the guys to come over and dink around. and great. now i'm being a bitch about it. i hate pms, especially when i'm tired. oh well. so scott's an atheist now, he sprung it on my parents this morning. and in return my parents are smothering me with affection. it's kinda creepy. i'll be able to live with it as long as they don't start asking me how my walk with the lord is going. i can't stand it when they pry into my life like that.

seattle's always held a certain appeal to me. i just love walking along the streets, looking at all the different people and shops and decorations and.. there are just so many things to look at. to observe. it's especially nice in the wintertime, with all the trees downtown covered in christmas lights. the cold air, the people rushing around with their packages, the crowded sidewalks, the beautiful buildings... i'm going to live in seattle. i know it. i'll got to the u and just spend all my days in seattle, learning my way around. getting to know people. do you have any idea how many interesting people live in that city? it's crawling with them! scott showed me this mall today that i had no clue existed. there's a movie theater and everything. it's about 5 or 6 stories tall, with people just all over the place.
scott of course hated it. when we were standing on the top floor he couldn't stop fantasizing about chucking a pumpkin and seeing how all the people way below us reacted. he told me about how he wanted to hurl his friend eric, who's afraid of heights, over the edge and down into some glass covering "to demonstrate kinetic energy". all in the name of science, always, with scott. he said all the mall really needed was to have someone running around throwing fish.
ahh, my brother. he's hilarious. so antisocial. so odd. so messed up. what's creepy is that he's always been like that, ever since he was a baby.
anyway, i'm a little sad. i really miss my 'german techno cd'. i want to rent the movie too. i think i'll buy the movie with whatever christmas money i get, maybe. who knows.

awww. my mom and i just got back from seeing two weeks notice. it is such a cute movie! hugh grant is, of course, absolutely adorable. and sandra bullock is great! what was my favorite part? wow, i dunno. probably the stapler fight. or at the very end, "this is amazing! i can walk from this side of the apartment to the other in six seconds! one...!" lol. anyway. i'm telling you, all you chicks out there, go see this chick-flick. it is GOOD. and for everyone else, the two towers is also really really good.
i got the ticket today! yess! so hyped. i feel bad tho, i threw a marker at jamie and it hit her right between the eyes. lol i did NOT mean for that to happen, but i guess she has really bad reflexes or something. oh well.
blah. here comes a nasty depressed low self-esteem mood. i should go watch some stand up, that'd help lots.

how do people do it? they're completely in love with someone, even when there isn't really much there. no real reason for this question, it's just something i've noticed. i'm a pessimist. i don't trust it when i have what i really want. anyway, just an observation.
ahhh, white elephant gift exchanges. gotta love 'em. i got a box of truffles, didn't eat any. john gave me his mittens and i gave him tuey's coffee filters, which i think he threw away. brenda!! she is so sweet. she made me a really cute card and gave me a candy cane. i haven't seen her for a while so it was good to spend some time with her again. she seems like she's doing just great, which is good. i miss her. i'm really wondering if going to the new high school would be so bad. i'd be with all my old friends again. but isn't that what i'm trying to avoid? being stuck with the same group from now 'til i graduate? i like decatur - it gives me a chance to get involved with all sorts of different people. being in classes with all my old friends doesn't really help me much - i stick to them and don't really try to get to know the other people in the classes. anyway, rambling. new topic.
i get the concert ticket tomorrow! yesssss!!!!! okay, so it's emo-punk. so they're the new wave of bands where people can listen to them and say they're 'punk' and don't pigeon-hole me, i'm different. whatever. so they play it on mtv and kiss 106.1. i can live with that, as long as the band themselves don't mess up.

eeeee! steph, i'm doing the hand thing just for you! omg the movie was so good! yes, okay, it did drag on quite a bit. but it was funnier, and there were SO many more fun parts! 'cept, well, elves don't scream. that was bad. so we raced jacob.. i think that was his name.. back to federal way. anywho. i want some ice cream!

okay. so math actually isn't so hard. and the map test will, of course, be absolute hell. but that's okay. i'll live. somehow. lol, brent is hilarious. we're both SO psyched to see the two towers. we got the tickets, and we'll get there an hour early. i'm bringing money for lots o' junk food. yay! one of his friends is gonna come, oh joy, another nerd to be seen in public with. lol. nah i don't mind, it's the two towers, everyone's a nerd! so friday i guess kate and i are going to try to go to the holiday of lights w/ our fright fest buddies, i hope that works out. yes! good news! best news, 'cept the two towers is better. brain's coming back in june! whoop! and ryan'll be coming back in the summer too, that is so great! geez everything just keeps getting better and better, lol. anyway, need to brush my teeth, that chocolate made them all icky.

damnit! i completely forgot how to factor. i knew how to factor on monday. i was on a role. so wtf happened??? i am so screwed tomorrow, she's going to have to reteach me everything every time i come into class. oh god. ryan just reminded me of the damn map test i have this week! must study soon. tomorrow's going to be hell, i just know it. gangs of new york. it's a movie that comes out friday, or at least in tennessee. road to perdition. must see that too.

so. today was pretty strange. brent was pretty cracked out when we got home, did a whole lot of shit to piss me off, but it was so hilarious! stuff like trying to smoke incense, sitting on me, hiding adam, talking through the walls... he says he's making up for all the years i was the annoying little sister. and since he only has one year to make up for 10, he bugs me constantly. the only thing that calms him down is his computer, so for the first time i'm ecouraging him to play games. anyway. went to sleep around 4, woke up @ 6;30 with a bunch of people yelling my name (someone was on the phone) and i PANICED. i swore it was 6;30 in the morning and i was late for school and had forgotten to do my homework, etc. etc. pretty funny stuff. yesterday was also really cool, i saw joey again for like the first time in 7 years. let me tell you, that guy is awsome. just like i knew he'd end up as, one of those easy-going guys who just takes everything in stride. he reminds me a lot of the guys in long beach. i'm already looking forward to next year's christmas party. i'll be able to drive then, so i'll probably steal the car for a little and drive around bothel. it's so strange going back up there, seeing all the places i used to see every day (i flipped when we passed costco, lol).

oops. forgot to write anything last night. well i didn't do anything too exciting. went to jillian's w/ a few people and played pool for a while. i won one, so did julie. haha!!! leroy the red-necked reindeer!!!! omg! i haven't heard this song in YEARS. okay so anyway, i love arcade games, i just need to work on actually WINNING them. lol. i spent most of the day destroying my room. ripped down all my posters and pictures and stickers and signs and everything. piled all my books and animals and cd's and normal shit in my closet. shoved my computer and tv and stereo as much into a corner as i could. took apart my bed. and i moved it all! haha! okay so i was doing this from like... 3-11, but still, it was FUN. my room looks huge now. i put all my stuff back up, cut up a lot of my pictures and made a huge collage behind my desk. ... yeah, you could care less, but there aren't a whole lot of things i own that i can be proud of. my cd player isn't very impressive - it used to be, omg yes, but not anymore. which reminds me. i miss my "german techno" cd! god i crave it bad. i want to find who stole my cd's and bash them over the head with the gun i DON'T have. *winkwink* so i'm going up to bothel today, going to see bill and jane and walk around the neighborhood for a while maybe. it shouldn't be too bad. yes! i talked to ryan for a while last night, and omg this year can NOT finish soon enough! sure i'll be busy this summer, but i'll still get to see him tons, and during the school year - yesss!!!!! lol. it's gonna be SO great to have him around again!

i am pissed off. steph tuey knows all about why. but i'm happy too, jessika's coming during break!! omg i miss her SO much. she'll only be around for a few days, but that's fine. we aren't as tolerant of each other as before. but!! it's going to be SO awsome to see her again!! i don't know what we'll do, probably just try to round up some people like it used to be. anyway gotta go babysit.

SHIIIIIIT!!!!!!!!!
i had almost the ENTIRE THING written out. it was all beautiful and organized and everything. and then i did something and POOF! all gone.
anyways. it was something about the three highlights of my day. you can have the very much reader's digest version, because i don't feel like going into major details about them anymore.
#1. brent said i'm pretty. yeah, older brother saying i'm pretty, big deal. but brent goes out of his way to insult and never compliment. it'll probably never happen again, but at least i know from now on he'll always be lying when he says otherwise.
#2. tysson wants to wear a kilt. YES! it's spreading! he says he'll even pose topless for me. lol. just have to convince steph to let me bring it with me next time i go visit.
#3. run-down of my day. finished my book at 2 am, slept for 4.5 hours, got up and drank a huge ass cup of coffee and chocolate syrup to keep me awake thru 1st. had much fun, not sure what all i did tho. was awake all day, thank god. walked around after school for 2 hours talking to ppl on steph's cell, waiting for her to get back from driving. then we went home (to steph's, if that isn't obvious. my second home, the one i like), ate some cheese sticks (from the cottage cheese fryer!! .. don't ask..) and watched slc punk. then we went to the mall, window shopped til we dropped. ... i CRAVE money like a drug addict. and it's official, i'm in love with a disney character. stitch is SO cool. i carried around a stuffed stitch the entire time i was in the disney store, treating him like the beautiful baby he is, and had a conversation with one of the talking ones. omg the talking ones are SO cool! just not as cuddly as the plushies. i want i want i want! lol. i saw so many things to get people for christmas, but of course, i'm broke, so it's not happening. oh well.
anyway, i have a german project due tomorrow. haven't even started it, left my notes at school and don't have powerpoint. no big loss, i'll do it at steph's this weekend or something. i dunno how but i will.

omg. lol, it finally happened. i got a guy to wear a kilt. okay, he didn't take any convincing at all, in fact he's been craving to wear one for a while. i just hooked him up w/ steph, and voila. kiltman. and i kid you not, it's just as sexy as that day @ the highland games. he says he'll wear it again on friday, so i'm going to have to find some film inbetween now and then. i must get a picture. i must show anna! show her how it's really done and all. highlight of my oh-so-pitiful life. all i wanted to do all day was crawl home and curl up to read my new book. speaking of which, i think reading's unhealthy. don't get me wrong, i love it. there's nothing better than a good book. the only problem is, since the beginning of time, my idea of a great book is one that makes me cry. where the red fern grows? my god. one of the best books i ever read. i guess i like being pathetic. i've been sitting here for the past 2 hours, listening to my horribly emotional gut-wrenching songs (don't laugh... this is stuff like greenday - time of your life, pete yorn, etc) and crying my eyes out. usually i do this because i'm just masochistic like that... but today i've got a good enough reason, that it.. it feels good to feel sorry for myself. .. oh god, dashboard confessional - again i go unnoticed. hah. anyway, don't worry, i'm not suicidal or depressed or anything, just throwing myself a pity-party.

the simple things make me happy. that's always been the case. it's nice being the center of attention, always, but i also like watching the people i love. just sit and listen to them talk. for example, today. i was reading, dozing off, happy as can be in my bed. brent's comes in and starts talking about some new game he got. he needed a name for his character. he spotted the silmarillion (sp?) on my bookshelf and started fllipping through it, talking to himself out loud as he considered some names and rejected others. i wasn't paying much attention to him, of course not. in fact i rolled over and went to sleep. but.. it's nice that he'll come into my room and talk to me. i know he's just bored and looking for something to do, but he's my big brother and i worship the ground he walks on. even if it pisses me off when he won't get out of my room, i like it at the same time. it means he cares. we used to fight so much even just a year ago. i used to hate him, and i know he couldn't stand me. we would yell and fight and insult each other - i've never been good at insulting people seriously, but let me tell you, brent's good at it. he can make anyone feel like the lowest piece of scum imaginable. we get along now. yes, we get in fights occasionally. usually, when one of us is in a good mood, the other's not. but we can talk, we get along, we joke and push each other around and discuss our love lives. i like it. my only complaint about the entire thing is... i wish i could have this kind of relationship with scott, too.

stupid tuey. she's got me wanting to watch old episodes of pete and pete like a crack fiend. mmm... so many things i crave now that it's christmas season. but oh lord no, i won't let someone else buy them for me. they might make a bad choice! lol. i crave posters, i crave a blacklight, i crave stickers and band merch and bracelets and mittens and sweatshirts and t-shirts and oooh how the list goes on! i want to learn to crochet, i want to get my film developed, i want to take pictures (!!!! must bring a camera on wednesday!!), i want to rearrange my entire room (just think how long it would take to move my stuff... urgh, what a nightmare). i want new clothes. i want new shoes. i want slippers! i want a membership to bally's fitness. ... i want i want i want. but first i need money, and even then, christmas presents take priority. ... i want a job. i want cd's! ... and as nathanael says, yes, it's always back to me.

so... relaxed. refreshed. it feels like i went on a vacation. which i did, sort of. i had so much fun. i'm going to be basking in this glow for days. so many great things happened in these past couple days. my dad and i had a decent conversation, without too much parental advice. i flew in an airplane. i bowled. i danced (lol). i saw movies. i beat up michael. i did so many things that will just stick with me forever. fond memories. it seems like these days, most of my best memories are from down in 'elainaland', as my dad calls it. i just... why don't i ever have a camera with me?? there are so many things i wish i had on film.

hah! today was fuuuun! seriously kate and i have too much fun. we spent pretty much the whole day @ the mall, wandering through the import stores and such. my highlight of the day was suncoast videos, of course, i love it there. we laid down in the middle of the aisle and watched lilo & stitch on the tv. tiffany, one of the girls who worked there, brought us some popcorn. how cool is that?? we got some food at applebee's... yumm, i haven't eaten there forever, it was soo good. i got some more bracelets (come on, let's hear the groans). i also got a cool flower hair-tie, but i lost it in the theatre. yep. i finally saw treasure planet. we had the whole theater to ourselves. treasure planet was good, i liked it a lot. but lilo & stitch was tons better. hmm, what else did we do? oh right, we staked out a couch at border's and read books for an hour or so. and we got homies! so yeah. fun day. babysitting was alright, i've got $20 for christmas presents now. sorta. not really. oh well. can not wait until tomorrow, but for now i gotta do laundry. .. and i miss grant, i feel like talking to him. hope i can soon.

hello! my dad is being an ASS today. he's bitching and griping about why i'm not doing running start and how he doesn't want to teach me to drive and hi i'm alan, listen to me bitch. biiitch bitch bitch bitch. blah. anyway i so can not wait for friday to get here, i'm getting antsy!

once again, good day. when is it not? went over to kate's all day. sean and josh were being rude, but they're guys, when are they not? reminded me a lot of my guys. saw andrew again too. sigh... watching him with kate really makes me sad. i miss grant so much. it's almost been a week since i saw him. and i can't think of any time before next monday that i'll be able to see him again. and monday's the beginning of the week, so... see where i'm going with this? it sucks! anyway, i guess i'll just have to suck it up for the next week. have fun w/ kate and andrew on thursday, and forget about everything back home while i'm with elaina. it'll work, right?

what'd i do today.. hmm.. nothing really interesting. my mom and i watched this stupid movie on tv, overboard. which reminds me, malcolm in the middle is on tonight. uh... just don't ask how my brain works, okay? i still need to do that evil math, ick. well, just think... 3 more days of school, and then i've got another 4-day weekend. ha, supposedly david's going to take me out when i get to elaina's. he's got no clue what we'd do, but that's not the point. anyway, all i'm really looking forward to is seeing everyone again. maybe go to denny's, pig-pile on ryan's bed... the good stuff.