drinking glue

happy day! well not really, but it was good enough. went back home to steph's and hung around for most of the evening. we watched a few movies, hung around and bothered the family. and i finally got my turker dinner! (so what if it was 9 at night...) good stuff. yummy turkey, real mashed potatoes, gravy, stuffing... all the necessities. even got some pumpkin pie, long before we ate dinner. steph, me and her mom all stood around in the kitchen, eating it outta the pan w/ our hands and spraying the whipped cream straight on. good stuff. i miss the days when i used to live over there. =( but yah, steph tried teaching me how to play batgammon, or however you spell it... creepy game, i don't get it at all. oh well. this from the girl who doesn't know how to play checkers or go-fish, no matter how many times she's taught.

i miss my friends... i knew going to a different school than the rest of them would change things. i didn't really mind too much either - by the end of the summer things were pretty messed up anyways. it's just that recently, it's starting to seem like they don't mind either. no one really goes to the effort to include me anymore.
well. totally lost that train of thought. lately i've been driving myself nuts. yes, smoking is a nasty habit. but i've been craving cigarettes like nothing else. last night i had a dream that i found a pack.. when i woke up and realized it hadn't really happened, i was crushed. i almost felt like crying. how can someone crave something so badly, when they've barely smoked... what... probably less than 10, i'd say less than 5 but i don't remember that night in idaho too clearly.
wtf is wrong with this?? i hate smoking! someone just give me a cigarette now and get rid of this stupid craving!

how... strangely disappointing. turkey day was pretty sad this year. we got chicken!! ew. apple pie wasn't as good as it usually is, either. tho the whipped cream was pretty yummy. highlight of the day was prolly hitting a deer. scott hit it, good job! stupid deer. y'know, sad as it was, today was still a pretty good day. laying on the couch and talking to elaina about all our friends was worth being bored all day.

bloggy blogger blog blog bloooog! good news everyone - i finally got my parents to set a curfew. midnight. better than i expected actually. who knows, maybe they're loosening up a little bit? anyway, i had a great day. i can't think of a single thing that's gone wrong.
well, time to sleep. turkey to eat later today, cousin to chat with and hopefully abduct, parents to avoid. should be much fun!

"you have a very strong power that has to do with drawing guys in, and not letting them back out...."
how is someone supposed to react to this? happy? ashamed? it certainly doesn't seem like a comment to be pleased about. it hurts both parties involved. believe me, i know. but what worries me the most about this is, after years of feeling out of place and trying desperately to be who i want to be... i'm there. almost. i slip back into silence sometimes, but for the most part, i'm almost exactly who i've always imagined. ... and being this way, earns me comments like that.
siiigh... usually this wouldn't bother me at all. guess i've just had a rough day or something.

whups. cole just reminded me i haven't put anything up here yet today. gotta make it quick so it goes up before midnight. ummm, today was a good day. i watched hook and talked to scott about shooting cars with a grenade launcher.
....
i miss that guy. it's just not the same w/out him around all the time.
anywho, i feel stupid. i left my book at school so when i finally sat down to start/finish my project, i couldn't. so now i get to do it all tomorrow night, oh joy. .. yep, did all my homework for tomorrow. tuesday's stuff can just wait. i'm gonna need to stock up on energy drinks soon, tho.
and just to piss cole off, i'm not gonna write about how weird and creepy he is. nope, i'm gonna tell everyone just how gorgeous he is and how much i absolutely love him, but only emotionally, sorry cole i don't do casual sex. besides, he already has my right arm, he should be happy with that.

i NEED to find a job!

holy crap. i was talking to david tonight (one of my "ilwaco" friends). he told me something reaaally embarassing about the last time i saw him. i doubt i'll ever be able to talk to him or william again w/out blushing. oh, haha, you think i'm gonna tell you what he said? yeah right! bad enough with the two of them out there knowing. anyway i sooo can not wait 'til i go down to see cousin again, i miss all my friends down there and talking to them over the internet does NOT help. it's all about "out of sight, out of mind" for me. if there's no contact, i'll forget. but once there is i miss you like nothing else. ... grr! can't december get here already??

good day. walking to and from school wasn't so bad, bugging ppl for food was fun. and of course spending the rest of the day w/ steph and grant was great.

i just watched the corniest romance movie ever. but it was still cute. it's called emma, all about some girl who tries hooking up her friends and how bad it goes. then she falls in love and everyone else's lives go back to normal. such 'n such. i like this whole netflix thing that my dad signed us up for. i'm just disappointed in the first three movies they sent us. i've already seen chocolat. emma was alright. and inspector morris?? my dad... really he picks the weirdest movies. i need to figure out how to mess w/ the list so we can get some comedies coming in. i'm dying for a good comedy!
ohh yes today was such a good day. came home and immediately crawled into bed. woke up and almost swore it was a saturday morning, until i realized it was 6:30. 4 hours of sleep! oh i needed that so badly, it feels so great to be all rested up. i know i dreamed something but i can't remember what it was... darn. anyway i gotta write this stupid assignment for sculpture and oh! must find a picture of someone, too.

oh yeah. good mood. nothing like gilmore girls to cheer me up. =) brent made pizza tonight. nasty digorno (sp?) stuff w/ the icky crust.. can't stand the stuff. oh well it's pizza. hmm i wonder if brent's going to pick me up tomorrow, we got in a pretty nasty fight after school today. i'll ask tomorrow i guess. ohh man i need to sleep. i'll probably take a nap after school tomorrow if i remember to.

i'm sad, grant left. i don't get to see him nearly enough. he really needs to get his car fixed. or make justin drive him around more.

i miss scott. but more than that i really wish we could carry a conversation. we're interested in a lot of the same things. but... he's still my big brother that beat up on me most my life and i've never really gotten past the thought that says he's older and superior. it's hard to have a conversation with someone when you think they couldn't care less and will hate you if you bore them. ... well, whatever, when he comes back to visit i'll work on it. we've never connected, and we probably never will. i expect that. but it's nice to be able to talk to him once in a while.

after all, scott is the coolest guy ever. he's hilarious. what can you expect? he is, after all, the guy who showed me invader zim.

mmm yeah. i really need a job and a car, so i can be a concert junkie. the concert itself is great, of course. but afterward is even better, when u get to meet the bands. today i met early november. they opened for taking back sunday and the starting line. i actually don't remember any of the guys' names, except john. john was cool. he's 18 and says he abuses the wife he doesn't have. he wears girl's jeans and is a total jackass. he complained about getting his picture taken and signing me. tho he complained less when i let him write obscenities on me (blowjob princess, i'm a whorp penis). he has a pierced nose 'n tongue.. and if he cut his hair and wore baggier jeans he would be very, very cute. he told jamie he pierced his sac 'n she freaked. very funny. he was pretty abusive too. pushed us around and bit me twice. ... oh well, it was fun, i love meeting interesting people like that. lol, and i just read evrything i wrote. it sounds like i'm in love. no. john was just the most interesting person i talked to tonight. a couple of kids were making out on the booth i was on, kept bumping into my legs. and i annoyed the guy selling t-shirts. not such a fun night socially, but still... very cool.

man. i love the movies. i love coincidences. and i love wendy's! their frosty's are the best in the world. steph and i seriously need to start going out and running around in the dark more often. i love my life. i'm not perfect, i have many complaints, but.. i like where things are headed.

hah. today was a good day. forgot to study for our history test (oops...) but it was okay. i got out of it. i really want to thank the me from 6 months ago who thought, hmm... i'll be @ decatur in november... i should make the appointment during school! i'm so smart (and not conceited at all). so anyways, i got out of the test, and i got subway! my mom is so great, seriously. she even let me sit around for about 20 mins so i could finish my homework.

and well... dear god, bilan actually did effect me last year. her stupid little discussions during lunch... i liked them. and until today i didn't even realize it, but i've missed them. so that's two on the list now - conditioning and debating over a book.

oh yeah. happy campers. verrry good movie. pixle's my idol now. =)

fuck! it's the only word that can describe this.
jenny burgeson commit suicide this morning. i know none of you know her. i barely remember her at all. i remember her kinda sitting out while we all pig-piled in the bed. i remember she was on the floor w/ james when it got too crowded. it's a horrible feeling, being able to attach a face from one of the happiest memories in my life to such a horrible tragedy.
and now my cousin's back together with scott. so much for my dream, right? i won't go into the whole scott mess. let's just say it's enough to make me cry for her. there aren't a whole lot of people in the world that i care enough about to cry for them when they're in pain. elaina's one of those people i'll cry over even when she's not in pain, just because she's experienced it in the past. ... it's impossible to describe how much i love her. i worry about her so much. how can i not? she's so far away. and unlike all my other friends, she's always been this far away. it's not like the distance can make us drift apart. ...
more homework.

i'm sorry but i have to tell you about my dream. i fell asleep on the couch this afternoon and had the most wonderful dream i've had in a long, long time.
i was at a place very much like illahee, with the stone wall and bleachers and stuff around the field. i'm not sure what i was doing, but elaina was there (bless her cousiny soul). it was spring, almost summer. the weather was a lot like it is during track season - clear sky, bright sun, warm weather, green grass... the wonderful weather that says summer will be here full on in just a few more weeks. for some reason elaina was running w/ the cross country team, yes i know the seasons are screwed up, but oh well. so anyway, elaina got done w/ the running, and she and tysson (who appeared from nowhere, duh) came over and we sat on the grass and talked about stuff. tysson had is arm around elaina, they were both oh-so happy... (i don't know what the deal is w/ them anymore, but this is how it should have been this summer). i don't really remember much more, there was something about a jungle gym. it was mostly just one of those good-feeling dreams. i keep thinking about it and just get this wonderful flash of blue sky and elaina smiling. i miss the summer, y'know. rain and storms are great, everyone knows i'm a big fan of them... but i miss the sun, more than anything. sun and soft, dry green grass. alright, i'm going nowhere else with this, time to get back to homework.

my mom is so cute. she's been after me for gossip about my friends forever. today she ran after me across the house, followed me into my room and stood behind me saying my name over 'n over again. then she saw my $60... she took it and wouldn't give it back until i spilled. i swear, she's like the little sister i never had. but it doesn't bother me. i've been pretty distanced from my parents for a long time, it feels good to be able to be open about my life w/ her.

different subject. island of dr. moreau. not such a great movie, but worth it all to see val kilmer walking around shirtless in what's basically a skirt.

it's started to rain again. it reminds me of ryan. usually i don't miss ryan that much, i've managed to get by without him just fine. but when it rains, i have this sudden impulse to call him up and see if he wants to go for a walk. and i realize that i don't have that option anymore. it hurts that i didn't take advantage of the opportunity when i had it. it hurts that i can't do it anymore. walking by myself... it just isn't the same.

DO NOT LIE.
unless it's polite. then lying becomes 'tact.'

DO NOT STEAL.
but if the plastic seal is broken, its free.

DO NOT COMMIT ADULTERY.
if your spouse is a jerk though, he/she probably deserves it.

DO NOT COVET WHAT OTHERS HAVE.
unless they're rubbing what they have in your face, then you need to covet it so you can kick their ass later.

HONOR YOUR FATHER AND MOTHER.
but only if they're giving you a large inheritance.

DO NOT MISUSE THE NAME OF GOD.
everything else, though, isn't God's name.

WORSHIP ONLY GOD, NO OTHER.
doesn't say anything about NOT worshipping God.

REMEMBER THE SABBATH DAY, AND KEEP IT HOLY.
this does not apply during the football season.

DO NOT MAKE ANYTHING INTO AN IDOL.
God makes exceptions for bands and movie stars.


DO NOT MURDER.
...Still working on this one.

(cute, huh?)

ohh la la. i really need to buy myself more xs. taking one home w/ me every time i babysit just isn't enough. mmm, which reminds me, i need to find more diversified families.. right-wing bible-thumpers just don't make for interesting evenings home with the kids. no offense to the right-wing bible-thumpers out there, you guys are cool. man i really wish i took weight training this year... or that i could convince my parents to get me a membership to bally's. it's too cold out for me to run nemore, i cough all day from only 30 minutes. and i miss weight lifting. i know i hated it by the end of last year, but i miss it now. brent's 8-pound weights just don't do it for me. hmm, must go listen to mario song now, buh-bye.

hmm, not much to talk about. i've been really tired lately. i guess it's good there's no school tomorrow, i can sleep in maybe. i'm thinking about maybe not going to germany this summer... it's a lot of work that i don't have the energy to do. not to mention too many things that i'd have to give up on between now and june. ohh which reminds me, football game tonight! still gotta figure out if i want to go. wait, check that, i can't, gotta go to youth group and give ryan his arm thingy back.

holy... oh wow. i just went out and saw the ring. scariest movie ever! now you all know me, i rarely ever get up, go out, and spend my money on a movie when i could just wait until some lazy afternoon at a friend's when we watch 5 movies in a row. but kate's been going on about it forever to me, and so has everyone else i've talked to. now, i'm not a big horror movie person. usually i can't stand the sight of blood and gore (fortunately for me the ring didn't have too much of that). most horror movies rely on gross nasty things to scare people. but this was good! i think i'm over being freaked out now, or maybe that's just the halloween candy talking... oh well!

remember back in 7th and 8th grade, when i hated my parents more than anything else on earth? especially my dad? now that i think about it, it was immature. it was me, being the spoiled bratty bitch that brent has always accused me of being. i used to think i'd gotten past that point.
but i haven't. i'm still very much the same, and i think i'm getting worse. i'm sorry, brendi, steph, for the way i've been treating you guys lately. thank you so much for telling me when i'm being a bitch. go ahead and hit me if you need to. it'll work better than anything else you can tell me.
i don't want to go back to hating my parents. i love them, i love being able to talk to them. i hate feeling like i need to yell at them. i try not to get fed up with them. but sometimes it's hard. they were both raised in completely different surroundings than me. my dad's the son of missionarys. he never had a girlfriend until he was in college. my mom was raised.. well.. i won't go into her family, but as messed up as they were, it wasn't like families are messed up today. no drugs, no alcoholism, nothing like that. neither of them seem to realize that what they consider utterly despising, is seen as normal in my eyes. the things that would freak them out just don't bother me.
i wish there was some way to make them see that the world isn't out for my blood. yes, i can get hurt. but that doesn't mean i'll get raped the very first time i step outside the house.
where am i going with this? i don't know. i'm ranting, and it's not even making sense. it's the same old story every kid goes through. "my parents are freaks, the just don't understand what's 'cool' these days". yeah, it's typical. but it's very, very serious when you're the one saying it.
go ahead, laugh at me for how completely clueless i am about the way things work. it won't be the first time.