drinking glue

2004-03-10T20:13:00.000-08:00

rise against - voices off camera

the images i got from it this time were of a person constantly on the move, always fending off the next disaster, trying to keep up with all the demands of life. no time to stop. and behind all that movement, a feeling of disconnection. a yearning to just give it all up, just for a little while. to lay it all aside and rest, relax and find comfort before picking it all up again and moving on.
there. can't go a day without feeling sorry for myself, now can i??

2002-12-29T22:58:00.000-08:00

sorry kids. bitching time.
so. don't get me wrong. i love jessika to death. she's one of the best friends i'll ever have. we get along no matter what we're doing. she understands me better than mostly anyone i know.
but after a while, she does get on my nerves. it's nothing personal, of course. nothing she can do about it, and certainly nothing i'd want her to do about it.
it's just that she's so thin. and gorgeous. always, and i mean always, she's the one who gets the guys. no matter who it is, they love her more than me. it's so annoying, always being second best. she talks to people so easily.
and she's got everything. i don't even know where to start with her clothes. god. it must be great having rich parents.
well this is going no where. it's pointless. i love jessika and all this is, is a bunch of my insecurities popping up. go away.

2002-12-29T03:42:00.000-08:00

well shit. looky what i did. i got myself in trouble, again. god, jessika and i were so bored. we had to do something. i've gone down to the 7-11 10 million times before. i buy ice cream or whatever and i walk back. big deal. no one ever cared, no one ever noticed. but tonight, because jessika was here, everyone was on edge and sleeping light. my mom found out. bitch. she locked us out and everything. i got brent to unlock the door for me, then i talked to my mom. she was really rude about it. i just know they'll say it was jessika's fault. i can't tell them it's not, but i feel horrible about it. i love jessika, she's just like me. i don't want my parents to not like her. the problem is, she isn't as good at hiding what she does. so they think she's a horrible person corrupting who i am. that's the thing, though. if she wasn't around i'd be doing this shit anyways, but i'd be miserable. anyway, my mom's being a total bitch about all of it, so we figure, hell, we're not doing anything this weekend. might as well make the best of it. still not tired, definitely not sorry about what we did. we'll be up all night. they want me to sleep on the couch, so i'll probably go back down there around 6 or 7, finish reading my book. umm let's see. well the next few years should be interesting. won't be driving anywhere, certainly won't ever be trusted to go anywhere. my brother says they're taking my computer. so, yeah, you should know that. i probably won't be around for the next week or two. maybe, if they're pissed enough, it'll be a month. who knows. they never usually stay mad long. y'know it's funny. sometimes they seem so reasonable. things that i think would completely throw them over the edge, don't bother them. then something simple like buying ice cream makes them completely flip out. not to mention movies. my god. what a bitch. she's freaking out over every movie i watch these days, just because she heard the sex conversation in chasing amy. thank god she hasn't watched any of the movies i own. that would send her completely over the edge. so anyways, this is my rant. i'm mad, but not at all sorry for what i've done. i don't regret anything. the ice cream was good.

2002-12-28T01:45:00.000-08:00

mmmm. i love edward norton. "WTF?!?!" you say? lol. yeah. i don't know jack about him, but i just finished watching death to smoochy. and i'm watching fight club right now. i dunno, but his body (ooh yeah, somethin about him walking around in a fuschia rhino's pants) and his face... y'know he's not drop dead gorgeous or anything, but still. yeah. what other movies is he in? i was thinkin i would start buying all brad pitt's movies, but hmm, edward norton... he does a lot more interesting roles. so. interesting night. brent and scott got all dressed up a couple minutes ago to go out and buy milk. strange guys. whoo i got a picture of tysson and elaina from homecoming, it's cute, tysson was a cowboy. so ummm i'm gonna go pass out in front of fight club now.

2002-12-27T00:05:00.000-08:00

whoops. completely forgot about this. oh well. i've had a pretty good last couple days. some serious bonding time with scott, mostly while driving around, and a little bit of talking in the kitchen. interesting guy, really. i wish i could've gotten to know him years ago, when i still saw him regularly. i'm going down to elaina's tomorrow, mostly just for the drive. i bought some new cd's, so now i've got a collection of 4 that my dad might like. i'm thinking pete yorn should go over pretty well. i guess he's been complaining about the stuff i've been listening to lately - scott says the only way to get him to stop is to blast classical music. now, i've got nothing against classical music. i love it. but i like being able to sing along annoyingly with my music, thankyou. whoop, it's friday morning now. oh well. umm, i spent a lot of money. oops. but it was worth it. and i've still got lots left over, so when i get the time i'll go to suncoast, get my beatle's poster, and spend whatever money i have left on, you guessed it, more movies. so, i think i'm going to go do something else now, get my mind off the uglier aspects of life that always seem to pop up when i talk to elaina or any of our friends.

2002-12-23T23:56:00.000-08:00

alright i'm gonna make this quick, i want to sleep soon. hm. today was pretty boring. so we won't go into details about that. can not WAIT for tomorrow night, when i can open presents, then amuse myself w/ whatever i get until jessika get's here (yesss!!! i's gonna see my bestest friend, yeeee!!!) lol. i dunno what i'm going to do all break, so someone, anyone, please feel free to call me and we can do something.

2002-12-22T23:34:00.000-08:00

ugh. this is so annoying. i don't even know who it is, probably kimbrough though, over at chatfield's on his s/n. i can never talk to these guys without it basically being one long sex conversation. they make a pass, i shoot them down. they make another pass, i shoot them down again. this time he's trying to convince me to have phone sex with him. what really pisses me off though is i don't even know who it is! chatfield's is just one huge gathering for all the guys to come over and dink around. and great. now i'm being a bitch about it. i hate pms, especially when i'm tired. oh well. so scott's an atheist now, he sprung it on my parents this morning. and in return my parents are smothering me with affection. it's kinda creepy. i'll be able to live with it as long as they don't start asking me how my walk with the lord is going. i can't stand it when they pry into my life like that.

2002-12-21T17:46:00.000-08:00

seattle's always held a certain appeal to me. i just love walking along the streets, looking at all the different people and shops and decorations and.. there are just so many things to look at. to observe. it's especially nice in the wintertime, with all the trees downtown covered in christmas lights. the cold air, the people rushing around with their packages, the crowded sidewalks, the beautiful buildings... i'm going to live in seattle. i know it. i'll got to the u and just spend all my days in seattle, learning my way around. getting to know people. do you have any idea how many interesting people live in that city? it's crawling with them! scott showed me this mall today that i had no clue existed. there's a movie theater and everything. it's about 5 or 6 stories tall, with people just all over the place.
scott of course hated it. when we were standing on the top floor he couldn't stop fantasizing about chucking a pumpkin and seeing how all the people way below us reacted. he told me about how he wanted to hurl his friend eric, who's afraid of heights, over the edge and down into some glass covering "to demonstrate kinetic energy". all in the name of science, always, with scott. he said all the mall really needed was to have someone running around throwing fish.
ahh, my brother. he's hilarious. so antisocial. so odd. so messed up. what's creepy is that he's always been like that, ever since he was a baby.
anyway, i'm a little sad. i really miss my 'german techno cd'. i want to rent the movie too. i think i'll buy the movie with whatever christmas money i get, maybe. who knows.

2002-12-20T21:51:00.000-08:00

awww. my mom and i just got back from seeing two weeks notice. it is such a cute movie! hugh grant is, of course, absolutely adorable. and sandra bullock is great! what was my favorite part? wow, i dunno. probably the stapler fight. or at the very end, "this is amazing! i can walk from this side of the apartment to the other in six seconds! one...!" lol. anyway. i'm telling you, all you chicks out there, go see this chick-flick. it is GOOD. and for everyone else, the two towers is also really really good.
i got the ticket today! yess! so hyped. i feel bad tho, i threw a marker at jamie and it hit her right between the eyes. lol i did NOT mean for that to happen, but i guess she has really bad reflexes or something. oh well.
blah. here comes a nasty depressed low self-esteem mood. i should go watch some stand up, that'd help lots.

2002-12-19T22:57:00.000-08:00

how do people do it? they're completely in love with someone, even when there isn't really much there. no real reason for this question, it's just something i've noticed. i'm a pessimist. i don't trust it when i have what i really want. anyway, just an observation.
ahhh, white elephant gift exchanges. gotta love 'em. i got a box of truffles, didn't eat any. john gave me his mittens and i gave him tuey's coffee filters, which i think he threw away. brenda!! she is so sweet. she made me a really cute card and gave me a candy cane. i haven't seen her for a while so it was good to spend some time with her again. she seems like she's doing just great, which is good. i miss her. i'm really wondering if going to the new high school would be so bad. i'd be with all my old friends again. but isn't that what i'm trying to avoid? being stuck with the same group from now 'til i graduate? i like decatur - it gives me a chance to get involved with all sorts of different people. being in classes with all my old friends doesn't really help me much - i stick to them and don't really try to get to know the other people in the classes. anyway, rambling. new topic.
i get the concert ticket tomorrow! yesssss!!!!! okay, so it's emo-punk. so they're the new wave of bands where people can listen to them and say they're 'punk' and don't pigeon-hole me, i'm different. whatever. so they play it on mtv and kiss 106.1. i can live with that, as long as the band themselves don't mess up.

2002-12-18T22:44:00.000-08:00

eeeee! steph, i'm doing the hand thing just for you! omg the movie was so good! yes, okay, it did drag on quite a bit. but it was funnier, and there were SO many more fun parts! 'cept, well, elves don't scream. that was bad. so we raced jacob.. i think that was his name.. back to federal way. anywho. i want some ice cream!

2002-12-18T17:21:00.000-08:00

okay. so math actually isn't so hard. and the map test will, of course, be absolute hell. but that's okay. i'll live. somehow. lol, brent is hilarious. we're both SO psyched to see the two towers. we got the tickets, and we'll get there an hour early. i'm bringing money for lots o' junk food. yay! one of his friends is gonna come, oh joy, another nerd to be seen in public with. lol. nah i don't mind, it's the two towers, everyone's a nerd! so friday i guess kate and i are going to try to go to the holiday of lights w/ our fright fest buddies, i hope that works out. yes! good news! best news, 'cept the two towers is better. brain's coming back in june! whoop! and ryan'll be coming back in the summer too, that is so great! geez everything just keeps getting better and better, lol. anyway, need to brush my teeth, that chocolate made them all icky.

2002-12-17T19:59:00.000-08:00

damnit! i completely forgot how to factor. i knew how to factor on monday. i was on a role. so wtf happened??? i am so screwed tomorrow, she's going to have to reteach me everything every time i come into class. oh god. ryan just reminded me of the damn map test i have this week! must study soon. tomorrow's going to be hell, i just know it. gangs of new york. it's a movie that comes out friday, or at least in tennessee. road to perdition. must see that too.

2002-12-16T20:17:00.000-08:00

so. today was pretty strange. brent was pretty cracked out when we got home, did a whole lot of shit to piss me off, but it was so hilarious! stuff like trying to smoke incense, sitting on me, hiding adam, talking through the walls... he says he's making up for all the years i was the annoying little sister. and since he only has one year to make up for 10, he bugs me constantly. the only thing that calms him down is his computer, so for the first time i'm ecouraging him to play games. anyway. went to sleep around 4, woke up @ 6;30 with a bunch of people yelling my name (someone was on the phone) and i PANICED. i swore it was 6;30 in the morning and i was late for school and had forgotten to do my homework, etc. etc. pretty funny stuff. yesterday was also really cool, i saw joey again for like the first time in 7 years. let me tell you, that guy is awsome. just like i knew he'd end up as, one of those easy-going guys who just takes everything in stride. he reminds me a lot of the guys in long beach. i'm already looking forward to next year's christmas party. i'll be able to drive then, so i'll probably steal the car for a little and drive around bothel. it's so strange going back up there, seeing all the places i used to see every day (i flipped when we passed costco, lol).

2002-12-15T10:48:00.000-08:00

oops. forgot to write anything last night. well i didn't do anything too exciting. went to jillian's w/ a few people and played pool for a while. i won one, so did julie. haha!!! leroy the red-necked reindeer!!!! omg! i haven't heard this song in YEARS. okay so anyway, i love arcade games, i just need to work on actually WINNING them. lol. i spent most of the day destroying my room. ripped down all my posters and pictures and stickers and signs and everything. piled all my books and animals and cd's and normal shit in my closet. shoved my computer and tv and stereo as much into a corner as i could. took apart my bed. and i moved it all! haha! okay so i was doing this from like... 3-11, but still, it was FUN. my room looks huge now. i put all my stuff back up, cut up a lot of my pictures and made a huge collage behind my desk. ... yeah, you could care less, but there aren't a whole lot of things i own that i can be proud of. my cd player isn't very impressive - it used to be, omg yes, but not anymore. which reminds me. i miss my "german techno" cd! god i crave it bad. i want to find who stole my cd's and bash them over the head with the gun i DON'T have. *winkwink* so i'm going up to bothel today, going to see bill and jane and walk around the neighborhood for a while maybe. it shouldn't be too bad. yes! i talked to ryan for a while last night, and omg this year can NOT finish soon enough! sure i'll be busy this summer, but i'll still get to see him tons, and during the school year - yesss!!!!! lol. it's gonna be SO great to have him around again!

2002-12-13T19:05:00.000-08:00

i am pissed off. steph tuey knows all about why. but i'm happy too, jessika's coming during break!! omg i miss her SO much. she'll only be around for a few days, but that's fine. we aren't as tolerant of each other as before. but!! it's going to be SO awsome to see her again!! i don't know what we'll do, probably just try to round up some people like it used to be. anyway gotta go babysit.

2002-12-12T23:06:00.000-08:00

SHIIIIIIT!!!!!!!!!
i had almost the ENTIRE THING written out. it was all beautiful and organized and everything. and then i did something and POOF! all gone.
anyways. it was something about the three highlights of my day. you can have the very much reader's digest version, because i don't feel like going into major details about them anymore.
#1. brent said i'm pretty. yeah, older brother saying i'm pretty, big deal. but brent goes out of his way to insult and never compliment. it'll probably never happen again, but at least i know from now on he'll always be lying when he says otherwise.
#2. tysson wants to wear a kilt. YES! it's spreading! he says he'll even pose topless for me. lol. just have to convince steph to let me bring it with me next time i go visit.
#3. run-down of my day. finished my book at 2 am, slept for 4.5 hours, got up and drank a huge ass cup of coffee and chocolate syrup to keep me awake thru 1st. had much fun, not sure what all i did tho. was awake all day, thank god. walked around after school for 2 hours talking to ppl on steph's cell, waiting for her to get back from driving. then we went home (to steph's, if that isn't obvious. my second home, the one i like), ate some cheese sticks (from the cottage cheese fryer!! .. don't ask..) and watched slc punk. then we went to the mall, window shopped til we dropped. ... i CRAVE money like a drug addict. and it's official, i'm in love with a disney character. stitch is SO cool. i carried around a stuffed stitch the entire time i was in the disney store, treating him like the beautiful baby he is, and had a conversation with one of the talking ones. omg the talking ones are SO cool! just not as cuddly as the plushies. i want i want i want! lol. i saw so many things to get people for christmas, but of course, i'm broke, so it's not happening. oh well.
anyway, i have a german project due tomorrow. haven't even started it, left my notes at school and don't have powerpoint. no big loss, i'll do it at steph's this weekend or something. i dunno how but i will.

2002-12-11T19:37:00.000-08:00

omg. lol, it finally happened. i got a guy to wear a kilt. okay, he didn't take any convincing at all, in fact he's been craving to wear one for a while. i just hooked him up w/ steph, and voila. kiltman. and i kid you not, it's just as sexy as that day @ the highland games. he says he'll wear it again on friday, so i'm going to have to find some film inbetween now and then. i must get a picture. i must show anna! show her how it's really done and all. highlight of my oh-so-pitiful life. all i wanted to do all day was crawl home and curl up to read my new book. speaking of which, i think reading's unhealthy. don't get me wrong, i love it. there's nothing better than a good book. the only problem is, since the beginning of time, my idea of a great book is one that makes me cry. where the red fern grows? my god. one of the best books i ever read. i guess i like being pathetic. i've been sitting here for the past 2 hours, listening to my horribly emotional gut-wrenching songs (don't laugh... this is stuff like greenday - time of your life, pete yorn, etc) and crying my eyes out. usually i do this because i'm just masochistic like that... but today i've got a good enough reason, that it.. it feels good to feel sorry for myself. .. oh god, dashboard confessional - again i go unnoticed. hah. anyway, don't worry, i'm not suicidal or depressed or anything, just throwing myself a pity-party.

2002-12-10T22:43:00.000-08:00

the simple things make me happy. that's always been the case. it's nice being the center of attention, always, but i also like watching the people i love. just sit and listen to them talk. for example, today. i was reading, dozing off, happy as can be in my bed. brent's comes in and starts talking about some new game he got. he needed a name for his character. he spotted the silmarillion (sp?) on my bookshelf and started fllipping through it, talking to himself out loud as he considered some names and rejected others. i wasn't paying much attention to him, of course not. in fact i rolled over and went to sleep. but.. it's nice that he'll come into my room and talk to me. i know he's just bored and looking for something to do, but he's my big brother and i worship the ground he walks on. even if it pisses me off when he won't get out of my room, i like it at the same time. it means he cares. we used to fight so much even just a year ago. i used to hate him, and i know he couldn't stand me. we would yell and fight and insult each other - i've never been good at insulting people seriously, but let me tell you, brent's good at it. he can make anyone feel like the lowest piece of scum imaginable. we get along now. yes, we get in fights occasionally. usually, when one of us is in a good mood, the other's not. but we can talk, we get along, we joke and push each other around and discuss our love lives. i like it. my only complaint about the entire thing is... i wish i could have this kind of relationship with scott, too.

2002-12-09T20:20:00.000-08:00

stupid tuey. she's got me wanting to watch old episodes of pete and pete like a crack fiend. mmm... so many things i crave now that it's christmas season. but oh lord no, i won't let someone else buy them for me. they might make a bad choice! lol. i crave posters, i crave a blacklight, i crave stickers and band merch and bracelets and mittens and sweatshirts and t-shirts and oooh how the list goes on! i want to learn to crochet, i want to get my film developed, i want to take pictures (!!!! must bring a camera on wednesday!!), i want to rearrange my entire room (just think how long it would take to move my stuff... urgh, what a nightmare). i want new clothes. i want new shoes. i want slippers! i want a membership to bally's fitness. ... i want i want i want. but first i need money, and even then, christmas presents take priority. ... i want a job. i want cd's! ... and as nathanael says, yes, it's always back to me.

2002-12-08T18:25:00.000-08:00

so... relaxed. refreshed. it feels like i went on a vacation. which i did, sort of. i had so much fun. i'm going to be basking in this glow for days. so many great things happened in these past couple days. my dad and i had a decent conversation, without too much parental advice. i flew in an airplane. i bowled. i danced (lol). i saw movies. i beat up michael. i did so many things that will just stick with me forever. fond memories. it seems like these days, most of my best memories are from down in 'elainaland', as my dad calls it. i just... why don't i ever have a camera with me?? there are so many things i wish i had on film.

2002-12-05T23:18:00.000-08:00

hah! today was fuuuun! seriously kate and i have too much fun. we spent pretty much the whole day @ the mall, wandering through the import stores and such. my highlight of the day was suncoast videos, of course, i love it there. we laid down in the middle of the aisle and watched lilo & stitch on the tv. tiffany, one of the girls who worked there, brought us some popcorn. how cool is that?? we got some food at applebee's... yumm, i haven't eaten there forever, it was soo good. i got some more bracelets (come on, let's hear the groans). i also got a cool flower hair-tie, but i lost it in the theatre. yep. i finally saw treasure planet. we had the whole theater to ourselves. treasure planet was good, i liked it a lot. but lilo & stitch was tons better. hmm, what else did we do? oh right, we staked out a couch at border's and read books for an hour or so. and we got homies! so yeah. fun day. babysitting was alright, i've got $20 for christmas presents now. sorta. not really. oh well. can not wait until tomorrow, but for now i gotta do laundry. .. and i miss grant, i feel like talking to him. hope i can soon.

2002-12-04T21:09:00.000-08:00

hello! my dad is being an ASS today. he's bitching and griping about why i'm not doing running start and how he doesn't want to teach me to drive and hi i'm alan, listen to me bitch. biiitch bitch bitch bitch. blah. anyway i so can not wait for friday to get here, i'm getting antsy!

2002-12-02T23:02:00.000-08:00

once again, good day. when is it not? went over to kate's all day. sean and josh were being rude, but they're guys, when are they not? reminded me a lot of my guys. saw andrew again too. sigh... watching him with kate really makes me sad. i miss grant so much. it's almost been a week since i saw him. and i can't think of any time before next monday that i'll be able to see him again. and monday's the beginning of the week, so... see where i'm going with this? it sucks! anyway, i guess i'll just have to suck it up for the next week. have fun w/ kate and andrew on thursday, and forget about everything back home while i'm with elaina. it'll work, right?

2002-12-01T18:49:00.000-08:00

what'd i do today.. hmm.. nothing really interesting. my mom and i watched this stupid movie on tv, overboard. which reminds me, malcolm in the middle is on tonight. uh... just don't ask how my brain works, okay? i still need to do that evil math, ick. well, just think... 3 more days of school, and then i've got another 4-day weekend. ha, supposedly david's going to take me out when i get to elaina's. he's got no clue what we'd do, but that's not the point. anyway, all i'm really looking forward to is seeing everyone again. maybe go to denny's, pig-pile on ryan's bed... the good stuff.

2002-11-30T22:40:00.000-08:00

happy day! well not really, but it was good enough. went back home to steph's and hung around for most of the evening. we watched a few movies, hung around and bothered the family. and i finally got my turker dinner! (so what if it was 9 at night...) good stuff. yummy turkey, real mashed potatoes, gravy, stuffing... all the necessities. even got some pumpkin pie, long before we ate dinner. steph, me and her mom all stood around in the kitchen, eating it outta the pan w/ our hands and spraying the whipped cream straight on. good stuff. i miss the days when i used to live over there. =( but yah, steph tried teaching me how to play batgammon, or however you spell it... creepy game, i don't get it at all. oh well. this from the girl who doesn't know how to play checkers or go-fish, no matter how many times she's taught.

2002-11-29T22:34:00.000-08:00

i miss my friends... i knew going to a different school than the rest of them would change things. i didn't really mind too much either - by the end of the summer things were pretty messed up anyways. it's just that recently, it's starting to seem like they don't mind either. no one really goes to the effort to include me anymore.
well. totally lost that train of thought. lately i've been driving myself nuts. yes, smoking is a nasty habit. but i've been craving cigarettes like nothing else. last night i had a dream that i found a pack.. when i woke up and realized it hadn't really happened, i was crushed. i almost felt like crying. how can someone crave something so badly, when they've barely smoked... what... probably less than 10, i'd say less than 5 but i don't remember that night in idaho too clearly.
wtf is wrong with this?? i hate smoking! someone just give me a cigarette now and get rid of this stupid craving!

2002-11-28T21:08:00.000-08:00

how... strangely disappointing. turkey day was pretty sad this year. we got chicken!! ew. apple pie wasn't as good as it usually is, either. tho the whipped cream was pretty yummy. highlight of the day was prolly hitting a deer. scott hit it, good job! stupid deer. y'know, sad as it was, today was still a pretty good day. laying on the couch and talking to elaina about all our friends was worth being bored all day.

2002-11-28T01:08:00.000-08:00

bloggy blogger blog blog bloooog! good news everyone - i finally got my parents to set a curfew. midnight. better than i expected actually. who knows, maybe they're loosening up a little bit? anyway, i had a great day. i can't think of a single thing that's gone wrong.
well, time to sleep. turkey to eat later today, cousin to chat with and hopefully abduct, parents to avoid. should be much fun!

2002-11-25T22:48:00.000-08:00

"you have a very strong power that has to do with drawing guys in, and not letting them back out...."
how is someone supposed to react to this? happy? ashamed? it certainly doesn't seem like a comment to be pleased about. it hurts both parties involved. believe me, i know. but what worries me the most about this is, after years of feeling out of place and trying desperately to be who i want to be... i'm there. almost. i slip back into silence sometimes, but for the most part, i'm almost exactly who i've always imagined. ... and being this way, earns me comments like that.
siiigh... usually this wouldn't bother me at all. guess i've just had a rough day or something.

2002-11-24T23:36:00.000-08:00

whups. cole just reminded me i haven't put anything up here yet today. gotta make it quick so it goes up before midnight. ummm, today was a good day. i watched hook and talked to scott about shooting cars with a grenade launcher.
....
i miss that guy. it's just not the same w/out him around all the time.
anywho, i feel stupid. i left my book at school so when i finally sat down to start/finish my project, i couldn't. so now i get to do it all tomorrow night, oh joy. .. yep, did all my homework for tomorrow. tuesday's stuff can just wait. i'm gonna need to stock up on energy drinks soon, tho.
and just to piss cole off, i'm not gonna write about how weird and creepy he is. nope, i'm gonna tell everyone just how gorgeous he is and how much i absolutely love him, but only emotionally, sorry cole i don't do casual sex. besides, he already has my right arm, he should be happy with that.

2002-11-23T20:41:00.000-08:00

i NEED to find a job!

2002-11-22T22:08:00.000-08:00

holy crap. i was talking to david tonight (one of my "ilwaco" friends). he told me something reaaally embarassing about the last time i saw him. i doubt i'll ever be able to talk to him or william again w/out blushing. oh, haha, you think i'm gonna tell you what he said? yeah right! bad enough with the two of them out there knowing. anyway i sooo can not wait 'til i go down to see cousin again, i miss all my friends down there and talking to them over the internet does NOT help. it's all about "out of sight, out of mind" for me. if there's no contact, i'll forget. but once there is i miss you like nothing else. ... grr! can't december get here already??

2002-11-21T21:51:00.000-08:00

good day. walking to and from school wasn't so bad, bugging ppl for food was fun. and of course spending the rest of the day w/ steph and grant was great.

2002-11-20T22:14:00.000-08:00

i just watched the corniest romance movie ever. but it was still cute. it's called emma, all about some girl who tries hooking up her friends and how bad it goes. then she falls in love and everyone else's lives go back to normal. such 'n such. i like this whole netflix thing that my dad signed us up for. i'm just disappointed in the first three movies they sent us. i've already seen chocolat. emma was alright. and inspector morris?? my dad... really he picks the weirdest movies. i need to figure out how to mess w/ the list so we can get some comedies coming in. i'm dying for a good comedy!
ohh yes today was such a good day. came home and immediately crawled into bed. woke up and almost swore it was a saturday morning, until i realized it was 6:30. 4 hours of sleep! oh i needed that so badly, it feels so great to be all rested up. i know i dreamed something but i can't remember what it was... darn. anyway i gotta write this stupid assignment for sculpture and oh! must find a picture of someone, too.

2002-11-19T22:24:00.000-08:00

oh yeah. good mood. nothing like gilmore girls to cheer me up. =) brent made pizza tonight. nasty digorno (sp?) stuff w/ the icky crust.. can't stand the stuff. oh well it's pizza. hmm i wonder if brent's going to pick me up tomorrow, we got in a pretty nasty fight after school today. i'll ask tomorrow i guess. ohh man i need to sleep. i'll probably take a nap after school tomorrow if i remember to.

2002-11-18T18:54:00.000-08:00

i'm sad, grant left. i don't get to see him nearly enough. he really needs to get his car fixed. or make justin drive him around more.

2002-11-17T22:08:00.000-08:00

i miss scott. but more than that i really wish we could carry a conversation. we're interested in a lot of the same things. but... he's still my big brother that beat up on me most my life and i've never really gotten past the thought that says he's older and superior. it's hard to have a conversation with someone when you think they couldn't care less and will hate you if you bore them. ... well, whatever, when he comes back to visit i'll work on it. we've never connected, and we probably never will. i expect that. but it's nice to be able to talk to him once in a while.

after all, scott is the coolest guy ever. he's hilarious. what can you expect? he is, after all, the guy who showed me invader zim.

2002-11-16T23:31:00.000-08:00

mmm yeah. i really need a job and a car, so i can be a concert junkie. the concert itself is great, of course. but afterward is even better, when u get to meet the bands. today i met early november. they opened for taking back sunday and the starting line. i actually don't remember any of the guys' names, except john. john was cool. he's 18 and says he abuses the wife he doesn't have. he wears girl's jeans and is a total jackass. he complained about getting his picture taken and signing me. tho he complained less when i let him write obscenities on me (blowjob princess, i'm a whorp penis). he has a pierced nose 'n tongue.. and if he cut his hair and wore baggier jeans he would be very, very cute. he told jamie he pierced his sac 'n she freaked. very funny. he was pretty abusive too. pushed us around and bit me twice. ... oh well, it was fun, i love meeting interesting people like that. lol, and i just read evrything i wrote. it sounds like i'm in love. no. john was just the most interesting person i talked to tonight. a couple of kids were making out on the booth i was on, kept bumping into my legs. and i annoyed the guy selling t-shirts. not such a fun night socially, but still... very cool.

2002-11-16T00:04:00.000-08:00

man. i love the movies. i love coincidences. and i love wendy's! their frosty's are the best in the world. steph and i seriously need to start going out and running around in the dark more often. i love my life. i'm not perfect, i have many complaints, but.. i like where things are headed.

2002-11-14T21:34:00.000-08:00

hah. today was a good day. forgot to study for our history test (oops...) but it was okay. i got out of it. i really want to thank the me from 6 months ago who thought, hmm... i'll be @ decatur in november... i should make the appointment during school! i'm so smart (and not conceited at all). so anyways, i got out of the test, and i got subway! my mom is so great, seriously. she even let me sit around for about 20 mins so i could finish my homework.

and well... dear god, bilan actually did effect me last year. her stupid little discussions during lunch... i liked them. and until today i didn't even realize it, but i've missed them. so that's two on the list now - conditioning and debating over a book.

oh yeah. happy campers. verrry good movie. pixle's my idol now. =)

2002-11-13T22:51:00.000-08:00

fuck! it's the only word that can describe this.
jenny burgeson commit suicide this morning. i know none of you know her. i barely remember her at all. i remember her kinda sitting out while we all pig-piled in the bed. i remember she was on the floor w/ james when it got too crowded. it's a horrible feeling, being able to attach a face from one of the happiest memories in my life to such a horrible tragedy.
and now my cousin's back together with scott. so much for my dream, right? i won't go into the whole scott mess. let's just say it's enough to make me cry for her. there aren't a whole lot of people in the world that i care enough about to cry for them when they're in pain. elaina's one of those people i'll cry over even when she's not in pain, just because she's experienced it in the past. ... it's impossible to describe how much i love her. i worry about her so much. how can i not? she's so far away. and unlike all my other friends, she's always been this far away. it's not like the distance can make us drift apart. ...
more homework.

2002-11-13T20:34:00.000-08:00

i'm sorry but i have to tell you about my dream. i fell asleep on the couch this afternoon and had the most wonderful dream i've had in a long, long time.
i was at a place very much like illahee, with the stone wall and bleachers and stuff around the field. i'm not sure what i was doing, but elaina was there (bless her cousiny soul). it was spring, almost summer. the weather was a lot like it is during track season - clear sky, bright sun, warm weather, green grass... the wonderful weather that says summer will be here full on in just a few more weeks. for some reason elaina was running w/ the cross country team, yes i know the seasons are screwed up, but oh well. so anyway, elaina got done w/ the running, and she and tysson (who appeared from nowhere, duh) came over and we sat on the grass and talked about stuff. tysson had is arm around elaina, they were both oh-so happy... (i don't know what the deal is w/ them anymore, but this is how it should have been this summer). i don't really remember much more, there was something about a jungle gym. it was mostly just one of those good-feeling dreams. i keep thinking about it and just get this wonderful flash of blue sky and elaina smiling. i miss the summer, y'know. rain and storms are great, everyone knows i'm a big fan of them... but i miss the sun, more than anything. sun and soft, dry green grass. alright, i'm going nowhere else with this, time to get back to homework.

2002-11-13T20:10:00.000-08:00

my mom is so cute. she's been after me for gossip about my friends forever. today she ran after me across the house, followed me into my room and stood behind me saying my name over 'n over again. then she saw my $60... she took it and wouldn't give it back until i spilled. i swear, she's like the little sister i never had. but it doesn't bother me. i've been pretty distanced from my parents for a long time, it feels good to be able to be open about my life w/ her.

different subject. island of dr. moreau. not such a great movie, but worth it all to see val kilmer walking around shirtless in what's basically a skirt.

2002-11-12T23:01:00.000-08:00

it's started to rain again. it reminds me of ryan. usually i don't miss ryan that much, i've managed to get by without him just fine. but when it rains, i have this sudden impulse to call him up and see if he wants to go for a walk. and i realize that i don't have that option anymore. it hurts that i didn't take advantage of the opportunity when i had it. it hurts that i can't do it anymore. walking by myself... it just isn't the same.

2002-11-09T21:04:00.000-08:00

DO NOT LIE.
unless it's polite. then lying becomes 'tact.'

DO NOT STEAL.
but if the plastic seal is broken, its free.

DO NOT COMMIT ADULTERY.
if your spouse is a jerk though, he/she probably deserves it.

DO NOT COVET WHAT OTHERS HAVE.
unless they're rubbing what they have in your face, then you need to covet it so you can kick their ass later.

HONOR YOUR FATHER AND MOTHER.
but only if they're giving you a large inheritance.

DO NOT MISUSE THE NAME OF GOD.
everything else, though, isn't God's name.

WORSHIP ONLY GOD, NO OTHER.
doesn't say anything about NOT worshipping God.

REMEMBER THE SABBATH DAY, AND KEEP IT HOLY.
this does not apply during the football season.

DO NOT MAKE ANYTHING INTO AN IDOL.
God makes exceptions for bands and movie stars.

DO NOT MURDER.
...Still working on this one.

(cute, huh?)

2002-11-09T01:13:00.000-08:00

ohh la la. i really need to buy myself more xs. taking one home w/ me every time i babysit just isn't enough. mmm, which reminds me, i need to find more diversified families.. right-wing bible-thumpers just don't make for interesting evenings home with the kids. no offense to the right-wing bible-thumpers out there, you guys are cool. man i really wish i took weight training this year... or that i could convince my parents to get me a membership to bally's. it's too cold out for me to run nemore, i cough all day from only 30 minutes. and i miss weight lifting. i know i hated it by the end of last year, but i miss it now. brent's 8-pound weights just don't do it for me. hmm, must go listen to mario song now, buh-bye.

2002-11-07T16:12:00.000-08:00

hmm, not much to talk about. i've been really tired lately. i guess it's good there's no school tomorrow, i can sleep in maybe. i'm thinking about maybe not going to germany this summer... it's a lot of work that i don't have the energy to do. not to mention too many things that i'd have to give up on between now and june. ohh which reminds me, football game tonight! still gotta figure out if i want to go. wait, check that, i can't, gotta go to youth group and give ryan his arm thingy back.

2002-11-03T22:35:00.000-08:00

holy... oh wow. i just went out and saw the ring. scariest movie ever! now you all know me, i rarely ever get up, go out, and spend my money on a movie when i could just wait until some lazy afternoon at a friend's when we watch 5 movies in a row. but kate's been going on about it forever to me, and so has everyone else i've talked to. now, i'm not a big horror movie person. usually i can't stand the sight of blood and gore (fortunately for me the ring didn't have too much of that). most horror movies rely on gross nasty things to scare people. but this was good! i think i'm over being freaked out now, or maybe that's just the halloween candy talking... oh well!

2002-11-02T21:54:00.000-08:00

remember back in 7th and 8th grade, when i hated my parents more than anything else on earth? especially my dad? now that i think about it, it was immature. it was me, being the spoiled bratty bitch that brent has always accused me of being. i used to think i'd gotten past that point.
but i haven't. i'm still very much the same, and i think i'm getting worse. i'm sorry, brendi, steph, for the way i've been treating you guys lately. thank you so much for telling me when i'm being a bitch. go ahead and hit me if you need to. it'll work better than anything else you can tell me.
i don't want to go back to hating my parents. i love them, i love being able to talk to them. i hate feeling like i need to yell at them. i try not to get fed up with them. but sometimes it's hard. they were both raised in completely different surroundings than me. my dad's the son of missionarys. he never had a girlfriend until he was in college. my mom was raised.. well.. i won't go into her family, but as messed up as they were, it wasn't like families are messed up today. no drugs, no alcoholism, nothing like that. neither of them seem to realize that what they consider utterly despising, is seen as normal in my eyes. the things that would freak them out just don't bother me.
i wish there was some way to make them see that the world isn't out for my blood. yes, i can get hurt. but that doesn't mean i'll get raped the very first time i step outside the house.
where am i going with this? i don't know. i'm ranting, and it's not even making sense. it's the same old story every kid goes through. "my parents are freaks, the just don't understand what's 'cool' these days". yeah, it's typical. but it's very, very serious when you're the one saying it.
go ahead, laugh at me for how completely clueless i am about the way things work. it won't be the first time.

2002-10-02T20:06:00.000-07:00

ryan sent this to me a few years ago. i just found it. it basically sums up the way i want the next few years of my life to be.

Punk rock love is fucking behind the dumpster down the street from the show. Fucking in the shower at the Hotel Carlton. Making out in the recycle bin. Looking at her tattoos while she's asleep. Taking showers together. Playing checkers with cigarette butts. Watching her band play. Dumpstering veggies together and then going back to her place and cooking up a feast. Knowing the same parts of the same songs. Both of you having the same ex-girlfriend. Punk rock love is having to tie her shoes for her cuz she's too drunk. Kissing under the overpass. Her sending you her whole diary to read. Her giving you ten rolls of duct tape for your birthday. Her beating up skinheads. Going to the prom on her motorcylce and checking in the helmets at the coatcheck. Getting astonished stares from all the jocks who thought you were gay, now they feel dumb cuz you're with an older punk rock bombshell and they're with their friend's little sister. Punk rock love is meeting her outside the club and her saying come home with me or I'm gonna kick your ass. Going home with her and she almost kicks your ass anyway. Sharing hairdye. Riding double on a bike. Being loud and not caring. Sneaky eyes and sleeveless t-shirts. The sun coming up and you realizing that there's other people on the beach. A good sleazy one week stand. Still being friends afterwards, most of the time. Punk rock love is her sneaking out in the middle of the night to meet you in the park. Running your fingers over her spikey hair. Her chewing on a flower and you having to call poison control when her tongue swells up. Bringing her to the laundromat for a date. Sharing a sleeping bag and waking up freezing in the middle of the night and her, bleary eyed, trying to heat it up with a blowdrier. Social Unrest playing "Ever Fallen in Love?" at the gig you're both at the night after she dumps you hard. Starting smoking again after that night. Punk rock love is her drawing on you. Her sleeping on your back. Her being mad at you for being such a jerk. Her thinking it's cool that you stink and your hair stands up by itself. Her having weird roommates who worship eggs. You waiting in the doorway for hours hoping she might pass by. Even in the snow. Her singing along with Descendents records over the air on her late night radio show. Her picture on the front page of the morning paper, getting arrested. Her borrowing your favorite black hat and never giving it back. Punk rock love is finding a girl who drinks as much coffee as you do. Going into the cafe where she works and she looks up and smiles and doesn't notice as she tips over a pile of 50 dishes. They hit the floor one by one and when it's all done everyone in the cafe applauds and you both turn beet red. Punk rock love is both of you doing fanzines. Years later her teaching English to college freshmen, you still doing fanzines. Her wearing glasses through her eyes are fine, using crutches though her legs are fine, and talking with a fake speech impediment. You just thinking it's rad girl style, until later when someone brings up the concept of self-imposed handicaps. Punk rock love is getting your first kiss and almost losing your virginity at the same time, meanwhile you're trying not to wake up the other person sleeping in the same bed. Groping in the bushes by the freeway and later you realize that all the passing cars could see you. Exploring the wasteland together. Holding hands out on the fire escape. Lying in the grass in her backyard. Lying on the astroturf in her bedroom. Drinking tequila on her porch, on your birthday. Riding on her motorcycle early in the cold morning and you're holding on tight and steam is rising off of the river and you're thinking how she is maybe even better than the Ramones. Punk rock love is both being broke. Love letters. Finding out she sang "Stay Free" at her high school talent show. Finding out she's a little crazier than you thought when you finally get her in bed. Her boyfriend getting mad. Walking around with her and her nephew and everyone giving you dirty looks cuz they think he's your kid. Walking around with her and being happy and proud. Being sad together. Being sad by yourself. Missing her.

2002-09-30T20:04:00.000-07:00

i'm bored. so are you, if you're reading this. here we go, amusement for all!

1) Full name: Chelsea Katrina Erola

2) If you could would you change your name? maybe, but what to?

3) If yes, then what would it be? umm.. didn't i just answer that?

4) Birthday: May 23, 1987

5) Would you rather be older or younger than you are? i'd prolly stay the same i'm at. i'm having fun building up experiences.

6) If yes then what age would you be?: spam

7) Last time you showered?: this morning

8) What color pants do you have on right now? jeans. with duct tape.

9) What is the last thing you said?: something along the lines of "okay, i'll go clean the bathroom.." um. i didn't do it yet. oops.

10) What song are you listening to right now?: simple plan - addicted. gotta love that emo!

11) Last thing you ate: aussie pie. yummm, frozen foods!

12) The weirdest thing I've ever eaten: um, whatever that milkshake was i made. it wasn't a milkshake. it was just evrything kinda liquidy i could find in my fridge. and i mean evrything.

13) If you could be any color crayon, what color would you be: oh wow that's a toughy. a bright one. neon green!

14) Last movie you saw? mine!! it wasn't so funny nemore, but i still like it

15) Where do you wanna go on your honeymoon? hawaii. cancun? anyplace tropical!

16) Have you ever really been in love? no. most people say i'm lucky, but i know i'm missing out

17) Who do you wanna marry right now? okay, i'm not that obsessive

18) Last book you read? queen of the damned. it's very... vampire-y

19) Do you have a pager?: me? carry electronic equipment? funny!

20) How many buddies on your buddy list? 91, but i talk to evry one of them (unlike most ppl i know)

21) Rate yourself (1-10, 1=low 10=high): i'm not high.. what? i don't get this question. so i'll say 5

22) What did you do last night?: i tweaked out to rammstein and talked to ryan on the phone. i miss him =(

23) What did you do today? school, homework, housework. mondays are always like this

24) Have you ever been skinny dipping?: not yet. but only 'cause it didn't work out last time

25) Who are you talking to online right now?: ricky, jake, and erin

26) Screen name: mine? skababy05. i need to change it

27) Biggest fear in life?: that i'm going to lose someone close to me

28) Sexiest thing about the opposite sex?: smile, hair, eyes, and if they have an eyebrow ring. no particular order

29) If you had a genie what wish would you make?: what i always wish for. to have all my friends where i can see them every day

30) Fav. CD: warped tour 2002 compilation. it's my only good one nemore

31) Where ya going tomorrow?: school

32) Who do you most admire?: mostly all the guys in my life, but most of all jake, 'cause he's the most recent one i've met

33) Who do you least admire?: ahh, i don't want to say, she might read this and i don't want to deal w/ that

34) Do you like the person who sent this to you?: sure i do. i love evryone!!

35) Would you ever get a tattoo?: i'm planning on it. sure i can't stand pain but i'll drug myself if i have to

36) Pierce your belly button? see above ^^^^^^

37) Be serious or funny?: funny. always funny

38) Boxers or briefs?: boxers. remember my goldfish theory?

39) Whole or Skim Milk?: skim

40) Single or taken? single by choice and not

41) Simple or complicated? complicated

42) Law or Anarchy?: anarchy. it's called putting chlorine in the gene pool. let the world fix its own problems.

43) Grey or Gray: both

44) Night or Day?: night, always. but i like daytime too, things are open then

45) Color or black-and-white photos?: oooh.. black and white's always nice, but it costs more to develope

46) Sunrise or Sunset? sunset. i've never actually watched the sunrise, just noticed it getting lighter

47) Rap or Rock?: haha. always rock

48) Stay up late or get up early?: both! sure it's painful but it's fun, in its own sick and twisted way

49) Bath or shower?: shower, but only 'cause my bathtub is icky

50) Is it POP or SODA?? i say soda most of the time. but both work

51) X or O in Tic-Tac-Toe?: x. it's more visible

52) Eat an apple or an orange?: apple. come on! i'm from washington!

53) What came first the chicken or the egg?: chicken. just 'cause

54) Tall or short guys/girls?: i like tall guys. but i'm short. so medium works out best

55) Sun or moon?: sun

56) Emerald or ruby?: emerald. my birthstone. ^_^

57) Pants or shorts? pants! i live in my jeans

58) Left or right?: right, 'cause it's always easier

59) 10 aquaintances or 1 best friend?: 10 aquaintances. that's how my life's been these days and it's working pretty well. tho i do miss my 3 best friends. =(

60) Vanilla or chocolate ice cream?: vanilla

61) Naughty or innocent?: a nice mix between the two

62) Green beans or carrots? : carrots! haha, carrots...

63) Low fat or fat free?: low fat, they use less of the fake stuff

64) Silver jewelry or gold jewelry?: silver, always silver

65) Big diamond or small?: small. i dunno, big diamonds just aren't attractive

66) Kids or no kids?: kids! i love 'em. but only if i can skip the first year. =)

67) Dogs or cats?: dogs. i've got nothing against cats.. but they're evil

68) Half full or half empty? half full

69) Mustard or Ketchup?: ketchup. mustard's only good in tuna

70) Hardcover books or soft cover books? soft, unless it's one of those monster thick ones

71) Been kissed?: i cry for those who haven't

72) Done drugs?: see above. you can't judge anything until you're talking from experience

73) Gotten drunk?: no, but i'm working on it

74) Been a complete glutton?: oh yeah. too many times

75) Been on stage?: haha... yeah i have. i was little red riding hood once

76) Had someone be unfaithful to you?: not that i'm aware of

77) Been in a car accident? no, that wouldn't count. so no.

78) Been pulled over?: yep. haha, it was funny stuff

79) Hiked a mountain?: yep

80) Stayed home on a Saturday night, just because? yep

Do you prefer.... waitasec, wasn't i just doing these??

81) Hot or cold?: cold

82) Lace or satin?: satin

83) Blue or red?: blue

84) Rain or snow?: rain, and i mean REAL rain. if it's that fake drizzle stuff we get here in washington, then snow. but lotsa snow.

85) Give or receive?: receive... yeah i know, i'm selfish

86) Private or public school?: public! how could anyone live in a private school??

87) Chocolate or plain milk?: neither?? okay, umm, chocolate

88) Spring or fall?: fall. i like crunching leaves

89) History or science?: science i guess. both are pretty boring

90) Rap or rock?: okay i'm pretty sure i already answered this. rock!

The opposite sex...

91) Do you like someone right now?: a couple, actually. what can i say? guys are fun

92) Do they know?: maybe, doesn't really matter either way

93) Does anyone like you?: yep. sometimes it gets pretty annoying

Friends...

94) Do you have a best friend?: i have 3! steph, jessika, and elaina. but we're not as close as i'd like to be. they're just the 3 most important ppl in my life

95) Who's your funniest friend?: oh wow. you're going to make me pick?? i'm only friends w/ funny ppl!

96) Who do you like to laugh with?: brenda, ryan, tuey, kate, mo, evan, josh, brian, rachel, anna, julie, derek, alice, anna choi, justin, joey, jessika, nessa, nathanael, william, tysson, matt, erin, elaina, jenny, nicole, cole, jake... okay i'll stop. i'm not kidding you evryone i know i laugh w/

97) Who makes you laugh the most?: the most? oh wow. william definitely

98) Who do you email the most?: i don't email much. prolly matt

99) Who is the meanest?: me

100) Who is the loudest?: oh wow.. umm.. elaina prolly. no definitely. definitely elaina

101) Who is the shyest?: brenda? or me

Within the last 24 hours...

102) Have you had a serious talk?: yeah, with ryan

103) Hugged someone?: i hug someone every day

104) Gotten along with your parents?: ummm... i don't know. they haven't been home

105) Laughed?: always

106) Cried?: yeah. when i was talking to ryan

107) Sang?: see 105

108) Prayed?: not technically

109) Talked out a fight?: again, not technically

Do you like to...

110) Give hugs?: of course! i love hugging people

111) Give back rubs?: i prefer receiving them, but i guess giving them isn't so bad. depends who i'm giving it to

112) Take walks in the rain?: only if it's really raining. as in, soaking downpour

113) Have you ever had a falling dream?: no, and i'm glad

114) What was your most recent dream?: .. well, now that you'd asked, i have no clue

115) What was the last CD you bought?: 2002 warped tour compilation. tho i didn't buy it so n/m... our lady peace, clumsy. i miss that cd =(

116) What kind of gum do you chew?: wrigley's winterfresh

117) How do you plan on spending the next summer? juggling a job and social life for the first half, and elaina's and camp for the second half

Do you think that...

118) People like you as a person? yeah, i know they do. it's just hard to really convince myself

119) You are respected among your peers? sometimes, but for the most part, no. i'm just the dumb blond, weird kid, whatever ya want to call it

120) You depend too much on what others think about you? sometimes. it's like a mini bipolar. sometimes i do, sometimes i don't

okay! all done! hope ya know me better after all this. =)

2002-09-04T19:46:00.000-07:00

sometimes i really have to wonder what God's got against me. i know, i know, that's irrational thinking. nothing bad that ever happens to me can be blamed on God. of course everything good is by His will, but i won't get into how fucked that is.

i really can't stand my life right now. sometimes i wish i never had to come home, but of course that's out of the question. i don't have the right personality to leave, fuck however mad my parents are. just like i can't be anorexic - i love food too much - and i could never be bulimic - i can't stand the idea of throwing up on purpose. i just don't have a self-abusive personality. and i'm not careless, carefree, or whatever people have accused me of being. i care too much, that's the problem. i can't willingly abandon the people in my life.

it happened again today. one of those talks that i've come to know so well. the first one i remember clearly was when we were in idaho. jenny was over at our house. my parents told her to leave. i bitched and whined, of course, but eventually she left and we all sat down to have a family discussion. i found out that night that my dad had been fired and we were moving back to washington. today i was washing my shoes in the sink when my mom told me to turn off my music so she could talk to brent and me. she's losing her job in 7 months. the economy's shit and her company is packing up and moving to texas. her entire accounting department is going to be jobless in 7 months. which means our health insurance will go up and there'll be even less money to pay for it.

my dad's trying to get a teaching job down at devry university for the evenings or weekends. my mom's going to look for a part-time job as well. this is shit! brent's going to college next year. two kids at college! they might have to stay at home and commute to college, and pardon me for bitching and only thinking about myself, but i was really looking forward to having the house to myself all the time.

grandpa walter had a heart attack in finland. grandpa bill is sick and slowly dying, losing his memory too. now he's broke and has no money to pay for the expenses either. so he might get to come live with us for a while when scott goes back to college.

so how am i supposed to deal with this? first, as soon as my mom gets off the phone, i'm calling jeff and going off w/ him for the night. get totally wasted. in the long run, i'm going to save my money. that's all there is to it. half of whatever i get goes straight to the bank. i'm going to try to get more babysitting jobs, definitely. i wish i could get a real job, but no one hires a 15 year old.

i can't think anymore. it's too much. i've found all this out in the last week or so, and i haven't tried to think it over. endless talks about what's wrong, and i'm not even allowed to discuss it with my friends. but i have to write it down, and know someone else might be able to get the gist of what i'm going through. because honest to God, this sucks. i'm gonna go call jeff now.

2002-08-25T15:09:00.000-07:00

i got back from long beach, washington last night. it's a small town, with a bunch of small towns around it that no one's really ever heard about. there's one high school, in ilwaco, that has 7-12 grade in it. everyone knows everyone else down there. my cousin lives down there. she's the same age as me and one of the most interesting people i know. the only people more interesting than her are her friends. because the area is so small, i guess age difference doesn't matter too much to them. so most of her friends are juniors and seniors in high school. and because elaina's just like me, most of her friends are guys. the only difference is her friends are a lot more involved in her life. my friends, i suspect, only do things with me because i live in the neighborhood. her's come over all the time, talk to her all the time, and are always with her. of course, it will probably be the same way with me when my friends can drive, but since it's not right now, i say she's got the better life. so of course i'm always wanting to go down and visit her. lucky for me, whenever someone new comes into town, everyone tends to love them. i don't have to worry about impressing anyone while i'm down there. i just show up, and i'm loved. and if that isn't the best feeling in the world, then i don't know what is.

i try not to bore everyone with a minute-to-minute update of everything i've done in my life. because i know that when people obsess over everything, it drives everyone else insane. so i'll save the details for stephanie, who, bless her soul, actually listens, or at least pretends to, when i have something i want to obsess over. but every time i go down to elaina's, i come back preaching that i've just had the best experience of my life. it's never true. but they're always experiences that i will never forget. this summer has been pretty busy for me, and i've honestly loved it. i didn't get to do the things i was planning and expecting to do this summer. it didn't turn out like i thought it would. it wasn't the experience i was expecting. but i've loved it all the same. elaina's, however, was exactly what i was hoping it would be. just running around town all day with whoever shows up, and not having anyone telling us what to do. it was great. i just have to wonder, why is it that i never have a camera with me during these events that will stick with me for the rest of my life?

2002-08-17T02:40:00.000-07:00

"Uh.... you're a psycho. Not now. In about five years, you're going to be a complete psycho."

i know, isn't it great? i just about fell over laughing when i read this. let me explain. during a random fit of absolute boredom, i decided to put up a personals ad on the internet, through my favorite site for laughs, the onion. of course you have to be 18+ to put up an ad, so really everyone thinks i'm 19. i already met someone really cool, told him how old i really am, and he seems pretty okay w/ it. but anyways, that (above) was a message someone sent me. a 37 year old someone, to be precise. ahh, it's just great! he thinks i'll be psycho when i hit 24, when actually it won't even be legal for me to consume alchohol by the time i'm ready to sign into the nut house. i love it!

oh yeah, and if you want to take the time to check out my ad, which i personally think is pretty damn cool, go to personals.theonion.com . my nickname to search for is jgdragonfly. i don't know if you'll have to make an account to see it or not, though.

2002-08-13T22:38:00.000-07:00

I love
Football on TV
Shots of Gena Lee
Playing with my friends
And Twins
I love
Burritos at 4 am
Parties that never end
Dogs that love cats
And Twins
And I love you too
(Here's to Love Songs!)

yes! i am truly the best! i finally found the lyrics to the classic beer commercial. y'know, the one by coors. i've been searching for the words for so long now... and i finally found them! seriously, it's one of those things that just gets ya in the mood to party. i feel so sorry for those that have never seen it before *coughcolecough*

2002-07-22T04:14:00.000-07:00

in the wonderful words of my brother scott - w00t. and that's exactly the problem. i have to use other people's ideas to convey what i'm trying to say. and when i try to think and speak on my own, i screw up in the worst way possible. like elaina said, i'm just not very good with words. whenever i hear something that is important, i have no clue what to say. so i say what i think, and it's definitely -definitely- not what was needed. in fact i usually screw things up even more than before. will someone please just hit me over the head next time i try to cheer someone up?

2002-07-16T16:23:00.000-07:00

to say that it's been a while is an understatement. considering how much i love revealing my thoughts to the whole world, i'm surprised i've been putting it off for so long. i've noticed lately that i'm a very emotional person, and that my attitude depends entirely on who else is arround me. and when i'm alone, i don't feel much at all. just boredom, and a very strange urge to clean (my mom's fault, i'm guessing). right now, i feel a bit embarassed, maybe even ashamed with myself. jessika's coming in two days, which of course i can't wait for. of course, in the meantime, i'm raking in the $$ by cleaning our entire house. but i should be more excited than i am. i'm going to see my best friend, whom i haven't seen in a year! we'll be spending a little over a week w/ eachother, wreaking havoc wherever we go. but i'm more excited at the thought of the kite festival. last year, when i went, it was all about meeting elaina's friends. this summer i couldn't care more or less either way if i spent every day w/ her friends, or saw none of them at all. just as long as i get to go to the beach. i want nothing more than to sit on the sand and watch the waves (i really hope the weather's like last year). i also have this strange urge to build a sandcastle, ever since i "played" volleyball a few days ago. ... i don't know where i'm going with this. i'm actually just sitting here, trying not to gush about my rubber ducky (oops... guess it was all for nothing). anyway, the kitchen's calling me. there's this coffee stain over by the bread that i've been wanting to clean up all morning...

2002-06-29T21:57:00.000-07:00

01. I hurt: myself
02. I love: everyone
03. I hate: julia roberts & nicholas cage
04. I cry: at sad movies
05. I fear: emotional pain
06. I hope: to not get skin cancer
07. I sadden: when i see roadkill
08. I feel alone: when i'm at home
09. I kill: spiders & ants
10. I talk: all the time or not at all
11. I listen: to anything with a good beat
12. I break: everything
13. I see: sound
14. I smell: like gayness
15. I taste: toothpaste & lollipops
16. I work: when i need money
17. I remember: very little
18. I hold: whatever i can
19. I hide: my money
20. I pray: almost daily
21. I walk: everywhere
22. I drive: into trees
23. I read: books & comics
24. I burn: cards
25. I breathe: when i remember to
26. I play: with toys
27. I miss: my long-distance friends
28. I touch: manboobs
29. I learn: only when i have to
30. I feel: tired 24/7
31. I know: too much & too little
32. I said: "it's like christmas!"
33. I dream: in color
34. I have: a bellybutton
35. I want: more piercings & a tattoo
36. I fall: after i trip
37. I wait: for nothing
38. I need: sleep
39. I live: with nothing to lose
40. I die: for nothing
41. I thank: God for taking care of my when i do stupid things

2002-06-29T13:08:00.000-07:00

wow. i don't know if i've said it here before, but i know i've thought it. at the rate things are going i knew my life would catch up with me eventually. well, it did last night (this morning?). no details, of course, because like i know i've said before, you never know who reads this thing. poor brian - he had to sit on the phone and listen to me cry and sob and sniffle. at one point i yelled at a wrench, tho i don't think he heard me, which is good. funny thing is, after a few hours' sleep, i don't feel bad at all. just a little embarassed. and of course, just like i figured would happen, someone noticed i'd been gone. i told the truth, tho i did edit a few parts out (i'd be stupid not to). i don't know if he'll tell our parents or not. i'm letting him sleep, doing his housework for him. hell i'm letting scott sleep too. but i do feel stupid - brent didn't really care that i'd left, just that i hadn't told him i was leaving. figures he wouldn't care - i keep forgetting that he's not as paranoid as my parents, that he goes out late all the time. oh well, i made a mistake, and if something bad comes from it, then what else is new?

2002-06-27T03:20:00.000-07:00

*~sorry kids, no details, ya never know who might read this - ask me if i don't tell you~*
oh. my. god. i will never, ever forget what happened today. it was great fun, of course. i always have fun, no matter what i'm doing. but, well, this was different. i have never been scared more shitless in my entire life. i swear to God i was going to die. and brian, well, i love him now more than i have or ever will love any other person on the face of this earth. i owe him big time, and oh my God i swear i was going to die a horrible, painful, extremely excrutiating death! and of course, now nothing is happening. geez, that's life for ya. thank you God, and thank you Brian! he's right - he's a legend now.

2002-06-25T19:50:00.000-07:00

i spent most of the day over at brenda's today, about 6 hours or so. and now that i'm home, i'm bored, and i've had time to think. and i've realized that as much as i love being around guys, as much as i love their sense of humor and the easygoing atmosphere, nothing will ever compare to spending a day w/ a girlfriend. i used to hate being around other girls, and for the most part, i still do. they're catty and competitive. i can't really stand to be around other girls for long periods of time because it gets into some kinda of competition, no matter what. but a day with a really close friend is completely different. neither of us care, neither of us try to compete. we're perfectly at ease with eachother, and we can do and say things that would make someone you didn't know as well get completely creeped out. it sucks that brenda's going away - i'm gonna miss her these next 3 weeks. and it's times like these that i really miss liz. we had fun last summer - we knew eachother's problems, and we accepted them. we had the same interests and ideas. we'd try anything once, maybe a couple times. i could do things with her that would creep out most of my friends these days. i'd like to call her up, but i know it would be too weird. things have changed - we can't go back to last summer. but i still miss her.

2002-06-23T14:09:00.000-07:00

i've been gone all weekend, so i haven't really had a chance to write about anything. the past week has been awesome, though i'm still trying to get over that i'll never go to school again w/ mostly all the ppl i saw last week. i'll see 5-10 of them on a regular, day-to-day basis, but the rest i might see across the field at a football game, or maybe run into them at the mall and wild waves. it's depressing. i don't want that to happen. i want to keep knowing my friends! i'm completely exhausted tho, these past couple days have been rather eventful. i think i'll go sleep in the sun for a while.

2002-06-20T22:39:00.002-07:00

i was going to write this earlier this morning, but i didn't have any time. last night i had the coolest dream. i don't usually dream a lot, or if i do, i never remember them. but when i do dream, they're long, and they usually turn out like a movie. last night i went to bed around 5 in the evening, so i had a lot of time to dream. this is what happened (i think it was inspired by a mix of harry potter/vampire books): it started out w/ me actually dreaming. all these people were lining up, and all of them were wearing black suits w/ white dress shirts and black ties. they looked a lot like the MIB. most of them were wearing sun glasses. they were in a huge crowd, but filtered into a line, and then they split off, either to the left or right. most of them didn't seem to know what they were doing there. i had this really weird feeling that by them even being there was a very, very bad thing. okay, so then i woke up. my brother (brent) wanted to show me something. i don't remember how we got there but we ended up in this huge cavern, with what was like a little mountain in the middle, or maybe a very fat tower, and all these huge caves all around the sides. but they had doors that opened upwards, huge stone doors. there was also a very large hole in the ceiling, so you could see the sky. so he was telling me that his college professor had told him about this (which makes no sense because scott's the one in college...but yeah). and that i couldn't tell anyone else because if i did, then both he and his professor would probably end up in jail or something. so he did something, i'm not sure exactly what. but all these bats just started flying everywhere. i freaked, and my brother and i fell backward. the ground was oddly soft, so it didn't hurt, except for something digging into our backs. brent was excited because apparently that's what we were there for. and this is where it got weird. he turned around and this huge... thing... had appeared. it reminded me of a rocket, except smaller and fatter. he said it was something that could make me fly, and he wanted me to try it out. so i climbed in, and it was really weird, i was basically standing up but was strapped in, and you could see through the entire thing. it was like it wasn't even there. so i just shot up and was flying all around the place. and it was weird because brent was right up there flying with me, and we went back to what i suppose was our house. it was this huge white farmhouse type thing, out in the country by trees and everything. i went around the side of the house to watch the fireworks (don't ask, i have no clue why there were fireworks). so then suddenly it's the next day. as in, bright and sunny daylight. i was walking through a trailer park/hotel/apartment complex type thing, and there were all these trees with huge red leaves, and a giant pond. there were these people there, wearing suits (like the MIB from the dream) but i knew them. so yeah then i was in the country (weird scene shifts!) and i was getting really bored so i just got up and flew. and it's this weird thing because apparently i was part of a weird society that could use magic 'n fly and stuff, and because they didn't want the normal people to know about them you had to get, i guess i'll just call it clearance, before you could go anywhere. and you had to say where you were going and they'd say when you could, etc. etc. so i just got fed up w/ it and flew. and of course people freaked out.

2002-06-20T22:39:00.001-07:00

grr, i typed all that and ran out of space... anyway continued.
i remember at one point there were some people weeding the crops or whatever, and i waved at them and they got kinda freaked out. but it was cool. at one point brent and i were racing, and he was going faster than me (because, you know, flying takes energy and the longer you've been training, the faster and longer you can fly for) and i was wearing myself out trying to keep up. so then i was getting tired and stopped at wild waves (this was the wild waves from my dreams. i've dreamt about it before but it would take WAY too long to try to explain how it looks). and this is when the people chasing me caught up w/ me (inside this rollercoaster type thing) and the walls around me were HUGE. and i was way too tired to try to jump them. so anyway, the people chasing me were leandra, nathanael, and evan. which was really kinda weird, but oh well. so they're blocking all my exits and trying to get me to stop, but they're getting kinda tired themselves. so brent, who was watching this whole thing, throws something to leandra that's supposed to restore her energy. she drops it and i grab it before anyone else can and eat it - it was a goldfish cracker, go figure. so now they're all upset because i'm back to normal, i jump the wall and fly away. for some reason i'm trying to find stephanie tuey's house, but i'm so high above everything else that i just can't find it! and the roads are all overrun by trees and i can barely see parking lots and it's driving me NUTS trying to find her house. for some reason i thought it was by illahee... uhh... yeah so i never found it, and i exhausted myself in the meantime. so then i finally found my way back to the hotel/apartments thing, and i saw my dad walking around. this guy wasn't really my dad, he was tall and thin and had thick black hair and was actually pretty cool looking, even if he was a little nerdy. and he was dressed like an MIB dude from earlier. so i went into the building he went in to (it was like a hotel, w/ hotel hallways and red carpets) and cut him off, and he snapped out of it in an angry/confused type of way. he was upset because he couldn't help himself - he was just drawn to that place. and that's when jesenia and some of her friends showed up. her friends were all hyped about it, but jesenia didn't really care, she was just doing what her friends did. at this point i noticed a gathering of ppl dressed like in my dream further down the hall, and i started getting worried. so i begged jesenia to stop, to go back, but she wouldn't listen. and i cried and hugged her because i knew it would be the last time i talked to her. so then my dad and i left, and when we got outside there was this huge fight going on. it was really unfair because it was all these mean guys against my dad's right-hand man type dude. so this guy just get's clobbered, and all that's left of him is his arm. my dad is PISST and just rips into these other guys, and then takes off w/ his friend's arm (it's really only his forearm and hand). by this time no one really cares about what i did. i manage to keep up w/ my dad and he calls a meeting w/ our clan out by the country house. and he's getting all ticked off, and worried b/c of these weird gatherings of people like us, when his dead friend's arm starts turning silver. and i mean like liquid silver, like on the capri sun commercials. and it starts getting bigger and bigger, until it suddenly pops out, jabs my dad through the chest with the huge spike, sends blood spraying everywhere. so then everyone takes off running, and i guess i trip because i'm on my knees looking back, and this thing just swallows my dad (so my dad is GONE) and starts laughing. it's taken on this weird form that kinda resembles someone's shadow. and all the time i'm just thinking of the MIB-type dudes from my dream, separating into groups, and all i'm thinking is "this is NOT good..."

2002-06-20T22:39:00.000-07:00

so there! that's all of my dream! i told you they get long. =] i should tell you all about my war dream sometime! that was good. with Mikhal and everyone. they had original names in that one - they weren't people stolen from real life! it was great! but for now, well, i guess not.

2002-06-18T21:17:00.000-07:00

i will never understand the people who think being spontaneous is a bad thing. it's great! random things are what make life interesting. acting on impulse makes things happen, whether for good or bad. for example, today, if i hadn't figured "oh, what the hell" and popped over to tuey's for no reason (honestly, i didn't want her help w/ the honors utopia), i would've wasted an entire day. an entire day of watching tv and walking around the house and bothering my brothers. instead i got to mess around on a trampoline (and go ahead, let the bad images run wild, b/c i mean almost exactly what you're thinking). i got to play at fred meyer's (my favorite past time) and creep out steph tuey's sisters. always fun. and for once i did my homework before 9 o'clock! wow! so yeah. now i just need to find a place to put my new bob the builder poster and all my dance pictures.

2002-06-17T20:51:00.000-07:00

i'm going to apologize in advance for this. i'm also going to explain myself. i've had a very rough day and i needed something to cheer me up. surprisingly enough, cleaning my room is something that helps me relax. and it worked. and now i want to share it with everyone. so i'm sorry. okay, so now i can obsess! i just reorganized all my posters in my room. nuts, you say? you've no idea. i ripped them all down (i have to say i didn't do a very good job - a lot have their corners torn now), along with all my pictures and liscense plates and whatnot i've got on my walls. so basically i was back to how my room used to look (horrid thought). then i put them all back up. all along the space around my bed. so now there's barely any gaps on the walls. it's mostly black, which i've complained about before, but now it looks horrible. most of my room is just plain white walls, and then there's this huge space all around my bed that's just a mess of black and color and weird stuff. but i like it. it's cool. my pictures and stickers and everything are scattered all around. not as many have meanings behind their placements this time, but some do. for example, the pic of joey and ryan making out is up by the wet sexy man because i'd love to do exactly that w/ him. =] that's right! i got the wet sexy man! i should've put him above my bed, i know, but i can find someone else to go up there. so right, it looks great. and of course now i want to go out and blow a buttload of money (which i don't have) on more stuff to cover up the space that's left. oh well, another time, i guess. i don't really want to think about money right now, that's what got me into a bad mood anyways. ugh, so much for all that work. complete waste. i'm mad again.

2002-06-16T00:23:00.000-07:00

ugh, i am so hungry... but i just brushed my teeth and i don't want to eat anything. haven't really eaten anything all day, now that i think of it. that breakfast cake-ish whatever at steph's, mcflurry at the mall, and the starbucks, but that's it. cool. i'm anorexic! psht, yeah right. it just hurts to swallow anything w/ this stupid sore throat. anyway, the bourne identity - i was right! it's a funny movie. great movie. absolutely hilarious. my only complaint is that they didn't have enough scenes of matt damon w/out his shirt. hey, look kiddies, it's the authority song! w00t! ... sad thing is, i haven't even touched that second starbucks in the freezer yet. man, this weekend has been just great, great fun. sure i missed out on swimming, but i hate leaving messages, esp. when i don't know who's cell phone i just called. everything else has been just grand, though. umm.. well i think i should sleep now, considering i have to go to church tomorrow and i *promised* charis i'd go to the sunday school this time. as a parting shot - HE WAS HUGE!!! heheh.

2002-06-12T22:27:00.000-07:00

okay, good, it's all done! beowulf is completely nuts, and grendel's not far behind him. the dragon's a nice touch. the end of the book seriously creeps me out. "poor grendel's had an accident. so may you all. the thing is falling off a cliff! ohh, a shower sounds so nice right now... hey, i think my sunburn's getting better! i can't feel it right now.

2002-06-12T22:00:00.000-07:00

this is driving me nuts! my stupid internet is taking forever. i want to finish my book report, take a shower, and go to bed. at this rate i'll probably be in bed around 11. am i ever going to get enough sleep? guess i'll just have to take a nap when i get home tomorrow. i hate going to get my hair cut looking like crap. but oh well, they're there to make me look good, right? right.

2002-06-12T17:04:00.000-07:00

i am so pisst off right now. it's beautiful weather. 80 degrees. i could get such a nice tan in this weather. but i can't, because my shoulders are crispy fried. it's really annoying, too. i have never -ever- gotten burned like this before. the worse burn i've ever had has been a little pink on my nose and cheeks. okay, i know why it's burning easily. tetracycline is known to make your skin burn easily. but i've been taking this stuff since sixth grade, so why now? makes me mad, i tell ya. oh well, hopefully if i use enough aloe vera it'll heal overnight. then tomorrow i can try to fix my funky tanlines. or i'll get some fake'n'bake before the dance.

2002-06-10T23:22:00.000-07:00

oh goody. i'm enjoying life far too much these days. i suspect it'll all come crashing down around me anytime now. but, well, until that happens, i'm loving every moment of it. sun, friends, and schoolwork the furthest thing from my mind. it's wonderful! tho i suppose i should be trying to get more sleep. i need energy to keep this all up, w/out turning into miss bitch from hell. as a side note, i'd like to say that liz did have a few things right. patrick's brother, for example, is a complete and total freak. and she also knew how to handle her parents. but since she's gone now, i guess i'll have to figure it out myself. and no better chance to practice than this summer, right?

2002-06-09T00:09:00.000-07:00

cool. i was flipping channels while babysitting tonight. found out that cartoon network's got this thing called adult swim, plays all sorts of anime. didn't get to see all of cowboy bebop, todd had to drive me home. but now i'm watching one of the original gundams. 0038 or something. i dunno. but it's cool. i'm going to have to learn how to run of 4 hours' sleep now, if it's on every night. if not, then just the weekends. told brent and he's known about it for a while. now he's trying to eat all my food, guess that's what i get for being nice. oh well. not like i need $20 worth of candy anyway. ugh, i am going to be so bruised tomorrow... stupid plastic baseball bats.

2002-06-05T22:54:00.000-07:00

i have never loved one person more in my entire life than right now. brenda, you are my god! i am forever in debt to you and your birthday present for me. ever since my parents made the stupid one can of pop a day rule, i've been suffering from caffiene deprivation. and even worse, it's 11:00, i'm dead tired, and now i need to finally start all the homework i should've done days ago. these two cans of diet coke are going to save my life!

2002-06-04T19:56:00.000-07:00

well hey everyone! got myself a blogger, cool huh? what's going on in the life of rolaids, hmm? not a whole lot right now. not that i'm complaining, that's a good thing! just got myself a season pass to wild waves, so maybe (maybe!) this year i'll have a tan to match jessika's when she comes! got a bunch of blisters on my feet (damn flipflops) but they'll heal soon and i'll be able to walk again. i didn't get any mail today... *sob!* WHY NOT DAMMIT?! lol. no really, i'm fine! ummmm, thinking thinking, what to say? okay, here's a warning (i'm not sure if it'll come true but oh well) - everyone, watch out this summer! i'm going to be hella bored and no worries, i'll be calling you up every day "i'm bored. what should we do?" "i dunno, what do you want to do?" "i dunno, what do you wanna do?" "i dunno, what do you wanna do?" "i dunno, what do you wanna do?" "i dunno, what do you wanna do?" "i dunno, what do you wanna do?".... etc. okay, that's it, i'm bored now and i need to do schoolwork (ick!!!!) later kiddies!